In the Cleft

Howdy.  It's been a while.  Over a year to be precise.  Trying to figure out a relationship has taken most of my free time that would have driven me to blog before.  And, while I am occasionally tempted to publicly wax poetic about how amazing Jessie is, and how instrumental she has been in my life and my Christian walk, I will spare all of you.  I try not to drown my audience in romantic sentiment as we live in a culture already ruled by such passions. So that is not what this blog is going to be about.

The title was inspired by me remembering one of my favorite hymns: He Hideth My Soul.  One of the recurring lines goes "he hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock".  For those of you less familiar with your old testament, I am making a fairly safe assumption that this is in reference to when Moses asked to see the Glory of God.  He could not see it straight on and live and God was not done with him yet.  So God, being loving enough to grant impossible requests, told Moses to hide in the cleft of a rock to shield himself because he was going to have his Glory pass by that rock.  I don't pretend to know what that means in concrete terms.  I picture a glowing nimbus of sorts.  Anyway, God set it up so that Moses would be allowed a peek just after his Glory passed by. The merest glimpse.  And even from that brush with Glory, Moses' face began to radiate with the light of it for a long time afterward.

I will admit that this history lesson wasn't entirely necessary for my point.  Sorry, but if you have read my other blog posts you should be used to it by now.  Back to the song.  In the first verse there is a line that has always confused me just a little: "He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock, where rivers of pleasure I see".  The chorus makes it clear that this rock is a prominent lookout in "a dry and thirsty land", i.e. the desert.  That juxtaposition always felt odd.  Where are these rivers? How do they fit with the overall narrative of the song? The rivers of pleasure sort of ambush you.  You can explain them just fine but it never seemed to make poetic sense.

And then tonight happened and I got it.  I'll try to be brief but this history is necessary.  Back in August I got a job as an aide working in dementia unit of a nursing home.  That sentence is somewhat inaccurate but just accept it as close enough.  I was worried about this job but found that I truly and deeply loved it.  More than that I derived joy from it and I knew it for the blessing that it was. To confer the depth of that well I would need a whole other blog post.  I was also on a spiritual upswing which is not coincidental.  As winter came on and life got hectic and my old nemesis (and sometimes closest friend) depression started to set in I lost sight of why I did what I did. I forgot that ultimately I am not working for my boss, I'm not even working for my residents.  I am working as a way of serving God and living as I have been called.

The loss of perspective coincided with a gradual surrender on my part to fear which resulted in turning away from my walk with God.  Slowly but surely.  Shortly after the new year I started to just feel tired.  I still like my job but it was not the same font of joy that it used to be.  It started becoming about doing my 8 hours and going home like so many other jobs I've had.  And I started to get dragged down by the chronic frustrations that come with working where I do.  Then about a week ago I unintentionally let myself run out of my ADD meds which are amphetamines.  If you've never seen me on an amphetamine crash I doubt I can convey just how much the loss effects me.  So going a week without my meds made all of my problems 10 times worse.  I was actually starting to be a little frightened by how dark I was becoming and if not for Jessie I may have just let the depression have full reign as I have done before.

Yesterday I finally got my act together enough to refill my medication.  God, in his infinite wisdom and with his great sense of timing and humor, also gave me the opportunity at work to train a new hire.  She will be my shadow for a week or so at work until she knows enough to work independently.  So when I walked in and found this out I was glad that I was back on my meds, that is for sure.  Part of me was thinking "alright they trust me enough to train somebody" and the other part was thinking "man, with a shadow I can't get away with any slacking or short cuts".  Yes I was falling into that rut. I had a fantastic night.  I loved training the newbie even when she saw me screw up.  Having her there forced me to do things right and stay motivated which in turn made me enjoy my job more.  Plus I had a captive audience which I'm sure you all know I love.

I chalked it up to the euphoria you get when you start taking amphetamines again.  There is a reason that they get abused so much.  So, tonight I came in and had yet another fantastic night.  I am not going to try to explain the nuances of how I can feel God showing me something.  It would likely be unconvincing and I doubt I'd be able to fully convey it in any case.  I learned a couple things though.  First, I realized that I love teaching and I'm actually not bad at it either.  Not sure I would be able to do a job where that is all you do but having the occasional chance to teach is something I would see as a major plus.  The other thing God showed me was...the dry and thirsty land.  See I did come back to the song.  The bleakness that was threatening to claim me once again was something I had to go through in order to see the full contrast.  Tonight, I began to remember that I am not serving man but I am serving a God who loves me as a son.  God started to call me back and helped me remember that joy which comes from living as you are called instead of living for yourself.

The wonder I experienced as I saw all of this tonight is not something that I think I will be able to sustain.  I think that I would be overwhelmed.  In this life we really can't handle the full glory of God's love.  So he hides us in the cleft of a rock.  And in the midst of blackness and despair he sometimes shows us those rivers of pleasure.  And they do ambush you.  God can and does choose moments in your life to surprise you with joy.  And the contrast helps you understand just how magnificent his love truly is.  Just a glimpse. Just the back side of it as it passes.  And yet even that glimpse is overwhelming and makes any amount of suffering on the road vanish in the light of Christ.  Plus now I can truly understand that amazing hymn.  And when the line "I sing in my rapture, oh glory to God!, for such a redeemer as mine" comes up I can even more strongly feel the power of that thought.

That's all I got tonight.  Until next time, go with God.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. –Philippians 4:8

P.S. I want to give a shout out to an amazing brother in Christ, David Carr.  I couldn't find a good spot in the main post but I want to give him a mention.  Without him you may not be reading this post now though I don't doubt he would be surprised to know it.  Once, he came up to me in church after I had posted a blog.  He very sincerely looked me in the eye and said "don't stop writing",  Ironically I think that may have been the last post for a year but his words stuck with me.  They challenged me to keep going with Notes from one of the Foolish Things even when I would have been happy to let it die a peaceful death.  And having just finished this entry I'm glad I listened.  I am surprised to say that I actually enjoy writing despite the hate/hate relationship I've had with writing in the past.  It's funny how some things stick with you isn't it?

Thankfulness in a Post-Thanksgiving Paradigm (remix)

So, this weekend has been odd.  In fact this month has been odd.  A weird mix of blessings and trials so that sometimes I am uncertain what my mood should even be at any given moment.  The last few days have been especially odd though.  Starting on Friday when I got a letter from my doctor claiming that I was "diverting" my meds.  I would like to say that I am not but there is a good chance that if you are reading this you know me well enough to know that I would not do that.  And then the next day having some awesome fellowship time with my friend Tim and then getting to celebrate Natalie Casco's life.  And then today where lots of small things seem to be going poorly way above what would be normal.  This morning it got to the point where I realized that I was becoming genuinely irritated: at the dogs, at the ice, at timing, at myself.  And then I remembered something.

I remembered the lesson I learned so long ago that I cannot control the external circumstances of life often enough but the one thing I should always be in control of is my attitude.  I should be choosing love over hate, joy over frustration and despair.  I remembered too that the thoughts and words we fill ourselves with have power.  If you make a habit of using angry words you will tend to be an angry person and your mood and your language feedback on each other.  I've known this and have been aware of this for a long time but I often forget it.  So in that moment I considered all of the blessings God has added to my life and realized that not being joyful should have been a hard struggle in this moment.  And then I went to church where Jared preached on how we keep doing idiot things over and over and the same ones each time.  Yet despite that we are loved by God.  Not a future us (those specific words keep following me around I think God is trying to get a point across) but the us that exists right now.  That alone should be enough to blind us with joy.

So I decided I would take the time to really consider all the things I have been given and acknowledge them in some way feeble as my words may be.  I am thankful for vehicles that work and work well.  I am thankful for friends who can always give me occasion for laughter.  I am thankful for my brothers and sisters in Christ who patiently (and even interestedly) listen to my problems and give me good advice.  I am thankful for medical professionals and counselors who listen and who genuinely care about their patients.  I am thankful for new friends who unreservedly accept me into their lives.  I am thankful for opportunities to serve those who are need, protect those who are vulnerable, and encourage those who are downhearted.  I am thankful for a platform to express my innermost thoughts to my friends and family on a whim.  I am thankful for all of the beauty I am surrounded by.  I am thankful for the amazing and often miraculous provision for my basic needs.  I am thankful for a gracious, loving church filled with fallible messy people who nonetheless shine in the light of Christ.  I am thankful for finally finding a place in my life where I am starting to feel whole in myself through the mercy of God.  He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.  I know I am far from complete and that the ultimate completion will be that glorious day when I stand in His presence united with all of the saints who have gone before but I am incredibly thankful for every millimeter of progress I make in the meantime.

I could keep going for while but I will allow you to be thankful for coming to the end of this post.  I suppose what I'll leave with is this:  No matter how well life may be going there are always struggles which vie for attention.  Do not give into them and allow them to steal your joy.  And no matter how horribly life is going and how broken you feel, if you are in Christ your blessings already outweigh those trials in a similar way that you are bigger than a bacteria.  Stay focused on Christ, choose joy, give thanks, and walk in humility and all else just melts away.  Yes those are some of the most challenging things to do in this life with any consistency but they are the best goals to strive for.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. –Philippians 4:8

Blessed by Failure

So after a bit of a hiatus in which my car broke down, I broke down and my nursing career almost broke down I have returned.  The topic of this entry is one I've been meaning to write on since mid December but have been too busy/stressed/depressed to actually write.  But you know what today I am feeling motivated and I had yet another conversation about this topic earlier so after much (unrealized from your perspective) ado... Let's talk about failure.

Now Rachel has made it clear to me that she thinks failure is a bad word to use here.  I understand her concerns and even slightly agree but sometimes it's important to get at the subjective experience before addressing the objective reality.  Don't get me wrong the reality of a thing is super important and needs to be addressed.  But before it can be properly understood it is sometimes necessary to acknowledge the individual experience.  Failure is something we have all felt.  The word "sin" is actually an archery term which roughly means missing the mark which is another way to see failure.  It's true that failure can only be understood in light of the goal.  If I give away my possessions but the goal of life is to make money I have by definition failed.  But if the goal is to enrich the lives of others then I may very well have succeeded.  So sometimes what feels like failure may really be an unrealized success with the correct focus.  So after that long boring explanation I am going to say that henceforth when I talk about failure I mean perceived failure.

I sometimes feel like my life is defined by a succession of failures.  These are not my best moments.  Failing a test.  Failing to make a payment.  Failing to fulfill my duties.  Failing to live as if I am redeemed by the blood of Christ.  As a kid and into my early 20s I heard a lot of people talk about my potential.  I sometimes still do.  The key is the emphasis on potential with "unfulfilled" in parenthesis.  It is a big part of what drives my depression.  Last month when my life felt like it was falling apart (again) this was really driven home.  My car died, got resuscitated, and then really died and I had no money to replace it.  I passed nursing by the skin of my teeth which felt like its own kind of failure.  I was informed that I never got the right forms handed in to the Army in very stern emails.  I was being outright ignored by my doctor and felt helpless because of it.  I was spiraling.

And yet in the midst of all that some amazing things happened which I had trouble fully appreciating.  The nursing program tossed a final which probably would have failed me.  My friends, family, and even near strangers moved Heaven and Earth and the contents of their bank accounts to ensure I could find transportation.  I reconnected with people and found new friends in unlikely places.  I found advocates in similarly surprising places.  In the life of a friend I saw a miraculous turn-around.  And most of this would never have happened or I wouldn't have appreciated it half as much as I do now if not for a series of failures.  The failures made the blessings possible because God makes a habit of taking suffering and sin and turning it into something beautiful which no one could expect.

Most interestingly, through all of this I was shown how I was trying to work for my own salvation which is a deadly trap.  We can never earn salvation even after the fact and yet it's so tempting to try and I didn't know that I was doing it.  But, after a miraculous intervention I realized i still felt like crap because "it shouldn't have been necessary".  Those were my words.  And in that moment I saw the problem.  The gospel of work harder and do better.  Not that we should not strive to be better but the idea that maybe we're all sinful and broken but we can at least be a little better is a lie.  A shiny turd is still a turd.  A slightly better but still deeply flawed righteousness is a deeply flawed righteousness and no more acceptable to God.  So yes work to do better to honor God and to express our love.  But thinking that gaining a millimeter towards perfection will be the thing that fixes our problems?  That's silly.  And learning such a simple thing almost broke me.

So, being forced to confront my failures and running into them so frequently is an amazing blessing.  Because I eventually have to admit my insufficiency.  And once I do that I can much more earnestly embrace the grace of God.  When I am weak (in myself), then I am strong (in Christ).  Failures really are blessings because they illuminate the work of Christ and push us back to him.  And so we can finally come full circle and say that in this light the things that feel like failure, whatever that is for you, can't be failures for a Christian.  Because every scrap of it works for His glory and our good.  And now before my words fail too, I will bid you all a good evening and a happy and blessed New Year.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. –Philippians 4:8

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye... Maybe

In the immortal words of Bilbo Baggins at his eleventy-first birthday party*: "My dear people... I hope you are enjoying yourselves as much as I am... I shall not keep you long.  I have called you all together for a purpose...Indeed for [two] purposes.  First of all, to tell you that I am immensely fond of you all, and that [five] years is too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable [people].  I don't know half of you half as well as I would like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve... [Secondly] and finally, I wish to make an ANNOUNCEMENT.  I regret to announce that - though, as I said, [five] years is far too short a time to spend among you, this is the END.  I am going.  I am leaving NOW.  GOOD-BYE."  Cue magic ring and flash of light. *speech edited for contextual changes as appropriate and denoted by square brackets.

Ok let me take a small step back.  I'm not actually going now but I didn't have the heart to edit out such a nicely dramatic flair.  And in truth my decision isn't completely final yet.  But, I do think it is time for me to move on.  In case anyone is holding their breath - either hoping it won't be soon or more likely hoping it will be very soon - I will clarify at this point that the realistic timetable for this is somewhere between summer 2015 and summer 2016.  So definitely not as immediate as Bilbo.  But, as of this moment, unless some kind of major and unlikely changes happen first, I need to leave Vermont.

I love Vermont. I even <3 Vermont.  I have a curious and almost inexplicable attraction to this state and the people in it.  You guys (and gals) are seriously the best and in all my travels I have yet to find such a consistently awesome and interestingly unique bunch of characters.  I could go on and on about how much I love living in VT and have done so in other posts.  But there is a deeper reality that I contend with and which seems to be getting worse not better.  And it centers around the fact that I am an extrovert.  I am an extrovert without strong social ties in a state which lacks people in general and the people that are here are by and large introverted.  Part of the problem is me and I readily acknowledge that.  I will periodically isolate myself which, for me, is a self-destructive impulse.  But, the problem goes beyond that.

I need to have peer group people around and I don't have that.  At college I find that most of my friends and peers are either separated from me by a chasm of life-experience and interests or they have families and other responsibilities which correspond to a different phase of life.  The former are very difficult to connect with and the latter either don't have the interest/need or don't have the time or both.  At church the same problem exists even if it has a slightly different character to it.  Whatever the reasons the net result is that I have been feeling increasingly alone.  And I don't know how to fix it.  I used to have a network of long-distance friends that I maintained but sadly we have mostly grown apart as so often happens with the dual separations of time and distance.  In specific I have known for a long time that I have a need for high quality male friendships whereas I much more naturally make friends with women.  And the supply of peer-group men with time on their hands is ridiculously small in my own experience.  And while I don't work, my profession is dominated 9:1 by women so that is unlikely to be a solution.

I've been considering the question of where I should be for months now/  My answers have always been that I felt called to move to VT, I need to finish school, I have the most fantastic church ever, my sister is here and I love my army unit.  Well... My sister and her new family are gearing up to move to Ecuador, school isn't forever and the most critical piece will be done this summer, the army might kick me to the curb any day, and my calling to Vermont doesn't feel as strong as it used to.  Which leaves my church.  But as I said I love them but it's full of very busy people and introverts.  I know that if I called some of them up saying I need to hang out or talk or something that many of them would make time for me because that is the kind of people they are.  But that is exactly what it would be: them making time in their incredibly busy schedules.  So, I'm not left with much reason to be here.  This isn't the full story perhaps but it is most of it.

This weekend I was forced to face just how much this is all affecting me.  And from what I would have considered an unlikely source I was asked why I don't move.  Sometimes a person can tap into a decision that you've been wanting to make but can't quite face with a very simple statement.  I still remember an AIM conversation I was having with Sarah about 10 years ago wherein she asked me why I was still an engineering major if I was so miserable.  Similarly when my friend asked me if I would consider moving it shifted something inside me.  All of the little pieces clicked together.  As I said the decision isn't final.  There are a couple things that could change my mind.  But all of them seem pretty unlikely from where I'm sitting right now.  So I am going forward with the notion that I am going to try to do what is healthiest for me with an eye for divine redirection.

As for where I'll go I don't know yet.  I am open to suggestions.  Right now I just need to be around people.  Not all of my problems will be solved by having people around but it will make the solutions easier.  I might try to stay close which would be maybe the capitol region of NY or southern/western NH.  Maybe the Maine seacoast?  I have to rule out MA for now since I've heard it is very hard to get a job as a new grad nurse there.  Another thought was Seattle since I have said for years that I want to try living out there at some point and now is as good a time as any.  Maybe the more urban areas of Utah which is a state that I love from my brief experiences there.  Utah would be a different kind of choice though since I would definitely feel like I was on mission in such a Mormon dominated state.  Maybe somewhere in the Northern Midwest?  I just know I have no real interest in moving too far south for many reasons including a deep and abiding hatred for heat.

Anyway I've probably already gone way too long but if you have any questions or suggestions regarding this topic let me know.  Also, another strategy I've considered is picking a really great church and using that to decide where to go so if you know of any in the places I mentioned or somewhere else above the mason-dixon line let me know that too.  I'll keep you all posted on developments.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. –Philippians 4:8

Great Ambitions

So today I was thinking about how incredibly thankful I am for the many, many blessings God has sent into my life.  I could list them and many of them are people but this isn't that sort of post.  I actually feel like I would have trouble doing justice to the many ways that God works in my life.  I have entered a phase of my life where I just feel so amazingly blessed and loved and cared for by God.  In some ways it is a flashback to 2006 when my sense of God was so incredible that I couldn't hold it in.  I'm a very different person today and as I grow and change my relationship does as well.  The response in me is less giddy and more tempered yet deeper and possessing a greater anticipation and appreciation for the Spirit's work in my life.  I suppose you could call it maturity but that is a word that I can still only wear ironically.  Like a little boy dressing up in his father's clothes.  It doesn't fit right.  It's too big a word and I need to grow into it more before I can start to feel comfortable and natural with it.  But I digress.

As I was observing my renewed sense of my blessings and thankfulness, I had the thought to express all of this in some public way.  Not because Thanksgiving is around the corner but just because.  And that brought up memories of my epic failure from last year.  If you are curious look up the blog post "Thankfulness in a Post-Thanksgiving Paradigm".  And then look up the post "There is Grace".  And then look at my facebook wall.  My initiative was a failure in the most objective sense.  And then I started thinking about all of the grand gestures and plans and ambitions I've had in my life.  And there are a lot.  I have a penchant for dramatic gestures.  Or rather I want to have a penchant for it.  I want to do these these things and have these experiences which are exaggeratedly large in scope.  Sometimes I will even plan them out.  And somehow they never seem to happen.  They get scaled down or they get interrupted by some glitch and never picked up again or I can't get the world to cooperate or I rethink the whole mess and decide that it is ridiculous.  And so all these things which sound so good in my head evaporate like mist.

The pattern of this can be seen throughout my life.  I'll make plans that are actually solid and achievable with effort but which are also in some way overblown.  I think I get it from my mom.  Our whole family will know what I mean and no story captures the essence of this better than the words "prayer box".  Ask one of us about it sometime if you don't know the story.  And I think each of us actually has that tendency but we all exercise it differently.  My mom keeps building projects up so that what should have been the work of an hour or two becomes a multi-month project.  Sarah figures out how to make her vision practical and will reshape her life and her relationships to fit that.  Rachel keeps things simple but in ways which are themselves overstated such as her position on fun.  And me?  I am the classic dreamer always planning and never doing because doing just seems so exhausting.  And I often find this piece of myself rather depressing to contemplate.  I feel like I am the most maladapted of us all.  Even my mom as much as she makes her life harder does usually do what she sets out to do.

I seem to have entered uncharted territory here and this was not the direction I had originally intended for this post.  I don't think I've ever tried to analyze this from this angle before but I'm going to roll with it anyway.  Maybe what it comes down to is that I am less independent then my sisters.  I need people in ways that I feel like my sisters don't.  The times when I am successful are when I can get other people to join in with my enthusiasm.  I need the force of other people wanting the same outcome that I do.  I am so prone to second-guessing myself and thinking that what seemed like a fantastic idea 10 minutes ago was really very foolish.  So I need someone else to tell me "No that was really a good idea.  We should do this."  Maybe this all boils down to a confidence issue.  Hmmm.  And I think maybe that is why I have gotten good at my own brand of persuasion.

I think it has a lot to do with story-telling.  I get excited because I've told myself a story about how amazing something will be.  Or perhaps I tell myself a story about how awful a thing will be and why I want no part of it.  And I've learned how to take these stories and make them compelling to the person I'm talking to.  I'm by no means a master but I'm getting better at it.  But I suppose the real question I wanted to ask is why do I keep chasing the grand ideals?  I know I rarely follow through and more often the idea isn't so much grand as it is ridiculous.  I mean at heart I'm a pragmatist in many ways but perhaps one who dreams of being an idealist.  Is it that part of all of us which desires greatness?  Instead of wanting fame (in the traditional sense) or power or wealth I want to be part of something amazing?  Yet at the same time I already am part of the most amazing story that can ever be told so shouldn't that be enough?  The more I sit here thinking about it the more I realize that I honestly don't know why I do this.

I do think that there is something universal about this.  I think that my experience in this case relates back to the common human experience.  I haven't decided how yet though.  I've always considered myself unambitious.  I've only ever desired secondary or tertiary roles.  I have the personality of a helper or a catalyst.  I'm not good on my own.  But perhaps this is my version of ambition.  To live a life interesting enough to be noticed or that someone might even want to read about.  Maybe that's what this blog is.  Like I said I honestly don't know and this probably deserves a little more thought.  So tonight I am walking away from NFOOTFT with more questions than I started with but that's ok.  And last week I ended with a verse which I have decided is going to be the tag line for this blog as it so nicely encapsulates what I am trying to do here and elsewhere in my life.  If I don't write again first I would like to wish all of you a happy Thanksgiving!

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. –Philippians 4:8

Casting out Fear

I know it's only been a couple days since my last rather scattered post but this morning my thoughts are running in circles and I am trying not to use my usual gotos of video games, books, tv, etc.  For one thing they only ever get me into trouble and for another finding peace in the obliteration of thought isn't helpful.  So I find myself back here again and talking to all of you.

I don't really have a topic or theme planned out so I think I will start with a confession.  If anyone reading this knew me more then 9 years ago before Christ awakened me you would know that one of my defining characteristics from the old days was anger.  My sisters can attest to this.  Anger at stupid people who wouldn't agree with me, anger at everyone who talked about me behind my back because I was weird, anger at anyone who infringed on my own personal sense of justice, anger at being forced to go through the same hoops as everyone else when I was obviously better then my peers and should be given free passes, anger at the world for being so darn inconvenient all the time.

There is something comforting about anger.  There's a heat to it.  It allows you to block out feelings of guilt and uncertainty and depression.  It hides fear.  It helps you protect the image of yourself as a person who is tragically wronged by the universe.  It justifies almost any action or thought.  I don't hide that I used to be like this.  But God has done such a transformative work in me that it sometimes surprises people to learn this.  I still get angry and I experience anger's close cousin annoyance on a daily basis but for the most part anger isn't the defining thing it used to be.  God is daily teaching me to set aside pride for humility (a task that will never be complete in this life), hate for love, anger for mercy and compassion.

Last year there was an altercation between me and a professor.  The particulars are unimportant right now except for that it was an instance where I let anger guide me.  And the aftermath of that indirectly led to the loss of one friend and the estrangement of another because of how I responded in a moment when I was still shaken by such an intense, unmitigated expression.  I'm still processing the incident. Yesterday, I felt the anger coming back.  It was different.  It was colder, it was thoughtful, and it was on the behalf of another person.  And part of me still says that in this case I am right to be angry.  I realized I was seeking it, calling it up like an old friend so I would have it at my disposal to use as a weapon.

That realization gave me pause.  I started out thinking that this was a very natural reaction under the circumstances.  That I didn't want this but I couldn't get rid of it without dishonoring a friend.  Obviously excuses and bad ones.  And excuses that violated every stated position I've had for 9 years and even my real instincts.  I have long believed that the only thing that anyone can really control is their own reaction to the scenarios we find ourselves in.  You can't stop a person from shouting insults but you can choose whether you feel insulted and if you choose to feel insulted you can choose to escalate, walk away, or undermine the person by loving them anyway.  My instincts these days tend towards compassion and I was actively pushing that aside.  I'm ashamed to admit it but in that moment I was choosing hate.

Thankfully, God is amazing and very quickly pointed all of this out to me.  It is not my place to condemn or exercise what I see as justice.  Even the worst murderer could conceivably become my brother through Grace and it is my job to show them love in whatever way I can.  That isn't to say that I won't go out of my way to interrupt a person's agenda when I see them causing pain.  And sometimes the intervention may itself be painful.  But I am not allowed to exult in that.  And I don't believe that I am allowed to do more than what is necessary to protect their victims.  Anything else would be like beating a man in chains.  God is the ultimate arbiter of justice as the only one qualified. So I didn't expect to write nearly this much on the subject or in such detail and that seems as good a conclusion as any so I think I'll stop here.  Thanks for coming!

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. –Philippians 4:8

The True Path (remix)

So this post is a little different.  As intimate as I make many of my posts there are some things I want to express which are too personal or would require me to breach confidence.  As I stated in my Pilot post this is a kind of experiment and for me it serves the role of an open source journal. The last couple months have been unusually hard and have involved serious depression and what I think may have been anxiety attacks from all of the things that I am trying to balance in my life.  I think I am starting to emerge from the darkness I have been engulfed in within my own head.  In talking about all of this with a good friend of mine and in helping my friend with their own struggles I said something about guide posts that God gives us in life.  Moments of spiritual clarity and closeness to God.  And I remembered that almost a year ago I started writing a blog post about something very similar and it was my only abortive post.  I never finished it or posted it.  At the time I think I was too close to certain issues and my problems seemed small and petty so I chose to keep my thoughts to myself.  In fact I had already made a previous attempt to revisit it and once again failed to post it.  But right now I think it's time has finally come.  Everything below the row of dashes is the previous post and I will have an original closing which will be set off by another row of dashes.

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I was thinking about my blog the other day and how I have been posting less.  And I remembered that there was a post I started writing back in October which never got finished.  So I have decided to revisit it.  It is actually the perfect post to revisit as I will explain in a moment.  In October life was going well.  I felt like I could see the way forward.  I had clarity and joy and was resting comfortably in God's faithfulness.  Right now I am in a darker place.  Life feels like a struggle to survive or hold steady and more often than not it feels like I'm losing that struggle.  And I knew that such moments would come when I started this entry 5 months ago.  In what follows I will try to keep most of my original thoughts intact.

So as my third entry is coming together I realize that the shape of this blog is going to be about my spiritual journey.  It makes sense since ultimately I want my life to be subsumed by Christ and that will touch everything I do and everything I am.  I no longer live but rather Christ lives in me.  With that being said onto the entry proper...

You ever have those moments when you cry out to God for clarity, for a path, for something certain... and he gives it to you?  I am realizing those moments are like mountain-tops.  God takes you to the peak of a mountain or maybe even a fire tower so that you can look down on where you've come from and see the rough lay of the land and the path ahead.  In that moment everything is crystallized and clear.  You can say with utmost confidence "This is where the Lord is leading me and I must follow!"  And then you climb down from your tower and you strike out... and everything gets all muddled.  There seem to be a lot more trees in the way then you noticed before.  There are brambles and drop-offs.  There are slick descents and treacherous climbs that you could not see from your lofty lookout.  Sometimes the trail seems to just disappear. 

And then the worm of doubt begins to say "are you certain of what you saw? Did you pick up the correct trail-head?  Are you even properly prepared for what you are about to do?"  And then you start to worry.  Except that because we can fully trust Christ we shouldn't worry.  I find myself thinking about how I was so certain only a week or a month ago but now (shockingly) it turns out that God has asked me to do a hard thing and I feel inadequate to the task.  And frankly I am inadequate.  And then at last He reminds me of 2 Corinthians 12:9-10: ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I think that the reason I am sometimes granted my mountain-top experiences is because God knows how fickle I can be.  I don't know if He deals with everyone like this.  I have come to truly appreciate that God speaks to each of us according to our needs.  I need a lot of convincing.  So by giving me these points of clarity it helps me to have an anchor.  Something I can cling to and say yeah God totally wanted me to do this and go this way so I guess I'll just keep on.  Even if I do stray and wander God is always faithful to return me to the proper path one way or another but for my own sanity I believe he lets me know a little of what is going on.  Sometimes.  Rarely.  And only a little.

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I think that what I keep forgetting is how to really trust God.  Not so much in the big things.  When it comes to money and food I've learned to trust in God's provision.  With all of the little day to day stuff though I often feel like it's my job to get all of that done in my own strength.  And repeatedly I prove to be inadequate to the task.  Priorities get flipped around.  I can clearly remember what decision and state of mind had spawned the original seed of this post.  It was a triumphant and determined thought.  Now it is a much more desperate but hopeful thought.  I think the reason that this post has failed to be finished not once but twice when no other post has ever been put off is because I have no follow-up. No great conclusion.  No ah ha! moment that helps me get it right or do it better next time.  So it feels like a half thought.  And I think I am going to leave it as a half thought.  Something abstract in this expresses feelings that I can't say outright for reasons cited in the opening lines.  There is a certain amount of clarity or direction that I think is missing from this entry but what did you expect reading a blog by someone who calls himself a Fool right?  Anyway, until next time, go with God who can see your path even when you can't.