I feel like I've been neglecting my blog and there are a lot of reasons for that which I probably won't go into right now. But I thought it was time for a post. Sadly, before I sat down to write it I received the sad news that the awesomest dog in the world died today. I am referring to my dog Toby. The news put me in a more contemplative mood so I decided to discuss change.
I've been going through a lot of changes in my life lately in almost every area. I'm living on my own for the first time ever. I'm starting to tackle some of my oldest and fondest demons. I got a cat. My very existence right now is dependent upon the goodwill of my friends and family between Rachel paying most of my rent and the combination of Rachel and David Carr helping me continue to have access to a vehicle. Even my current position in the army is by the grace of having an amazing sub-company level chain of command that is willing to go out of their way to help me. And don't even get me started on how dependent I've become on my friends for emotional support. I finally have a job as a medical professional. My concepts of patience and faith are undergoing radical redefinition. I'm back on medication for my ADD despite how proud I was of learning to be functional without it. For the first time in my life I feel like I have a home.
All of that and more that I didn't list is a lot to deal with over a short period of time. And I'm not always able to handle it well. Change is hard. In the past I have prided myself on my resilience and adaptability and now I am struggling just to maintain sanity while I transition. But it isn't all bad. I'm learning how to truly be dependent on God. I'm learning how to deal with my failures and incorporate them instead of just shutting down. I'm relearning the value of having a community of friends and family in close proximity so that we can share one another's burdens and build each other up. I'm learning, wait for it, how to study. I know, shocking.
I feel overwhelmed and as I look to the near future I can see more dramatic changes on their way and it is sometimes hard for me to maintain my attitude of everything just being a new adventure. I don't think I've even thought the word adventure in weeks and that used to be my first response to anything new. But I think the most important take away from all of this is seeing how God uses everything. He uses my depression, my unintentional outbursts, the struggles of my friends, the weather, and even inconvenient visits from the company commander to accomplish his will and speak to his children. He even uses atheists to witness to me about the amazingness of himself. I can't honestly say that I like everything going on in my life at the moment or that I have been a shining example of finding joy in trial but I am humbled that God continues to speak words of love and comfort into my life even as I run from him in shame. And I am amazed at just how strong he is in my weakness.
Change ultimately means challenge. If our life circumstances never changed we would learn a casual accommodation to them. Even the worst circumstances at least become bearable and almost develop a kind of comforting familiarity if they persist for long enough. But fluctuating circumstances keep us on our toes. They force us to learn that great motto of stage technicians: semper gumby - always flexible. And if we rise to the challenge, refuse to become bitter, learn to survive each new wave, and learn from our mistakes, we become better, stronger, smarter, more humble, and incidentally more interesting people from all of it. And that is all I have to say about that.
Until next time, go with God and abide in His peace.
