Thankfulness in a Post-Thanksgiving Paradigm (remix)

So, this weekend has been odd.  In fact this month has been odd.  A weird mix of blessings and trials so that sometimes I am uncertain what my mood should even be at any given moment.  The last few days have been especially odd though.  Starting on Friday when I got a letter from my doctor claiming that I was "diverting" my meds.  I would like to say that I am not but there is a good chance that if you are reading this you know me well enough to know that I would not do that.  And then the next day having some awesome fellowship time with my friend Tim and then getting to celebrate Natalie Casco's life.  And then today where lots of small things seem to be going poorly way above what would be normal.  This morning it got to the point where I realized that I was becoming genuinely irritated: at the dogs, at the ice, at timing, at myself.  And then I remembered something.

I remembered the lesson I learned so long ago that I cannot control the external circumstances of life often enough but the one thing I should always be in control of is my attitude.  I should be choosing love over hate, joy over frustration and despair.  I remembered too that the thoughts and words we fill ourselves with have power.  If you make a habit of using angry words you will tend to be an angry person and your mood and your language feedback on each other.  I've known this and have been aware of this for a long time but I often forget it.  So in that moment I considered all of the blessings God has added to my life and realized that not being joyful should have been a hard struggle in this moment.  And then I went to church where Jared preached on how we keep doing idiot things over and over and the same ones each time.  Yet despite that we are loved by God.  Not a future us (those specific words keep following me around I think God is trying to get a point across) but the us that exists right now.  That alone should be enough to blind us with joy.

So I decided I would take the time to really consider all the things I have been given and acknowledge them in some way feeble as my words may be.  I am thankful for vehicles that work and work well.  I am thankful for friends who can always give me occasion for laughter.  I am thankful for my brothers and sisters in Christ who patiently (and even interestedly) listen to my problems and give me good advice.  I am thankful for medical professionals and counselors who listen and who genuinely care about their patients.  I am thankful for new friends who unreservedly accept me into their lives.  I am thankful for opportunities to serve those who are need, protect those who are vulnerable, and encourage those who are downhearted.  I am thankful for a platform to express my innermost thoughts to my friends and family on a whim.  I am thankful for all of the beauty I am surrounded by.  I am thankful for the amazing and often miraculous provision for my basic needs.  I am thankful for a gracious, loving church filled with fallible messy people who nonetheless shine in the light of Christ.  I am thankful for finally finding a place in my life where I am starting to feel whole in myself through the mercy of God.  He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.  I know I am far from complete and that the ultimate completion will be that glorious day when I stand in His presence united with all of the saints who have gone before but I am incredibly thankful for every millimeter of progress I make in the meantime.

I could keep going for while but I will allow you to be thankful for coming to the end of this post.  I suppose what I'll leave with is this:  No matter how well life may be going there are always struggles which vie for attention.  Do not give into them and allow them to steal your joy.  And no matter how horribly life is going and how broken you feel, if you are in Christ your blessings already outweigh those trials in a similar way that you are bigger than a bacteria.  Stay focused on Christ, choose joy, give thanks, and walk in humility and all else just melts away.  Yes those are some of the most challenging things to do in this life with any consistency but they are the best goals to strive for.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. –Philippians 4:8

Blessed by Failure

So after a bit of a hiatus in which my car broke down, I broke down and my nursing career almost broke down I have returned.  The topic of this entry is one I've been meaning to write on since mid December but have been too busy/stressed/depressed to actually write.  But you know what today I am feeling motivated and I had yet another conversation about this topic earlier so after much (unrealized from your perspective) ado... Let's talk about failure.

Now Rachel has made it clear to me that she thinks failure is a bad word to use here.  I understand her concerns and even slightly agree but sometimes it's important to get at the subjective experience before addressing the objective reality.  Don't get me wrong the reality of a thing is super important and needs to be addressed.  But before it can be properly understood it is sometimes necessary to acknowledge the individual experience.  Failure is something we have all felt.  The word "sin" is actually an archery term which roughly means missing the mark which is another way to see failure.  It's true that failure can only be understood in light of the goal.  If I give away my possessions but the goal of life is to make money I have by definition failed.  But if the goal is to enrich the lives of others then I may very well have succeeded.  So sometimes what feels like failure may really be an unrealized success with the correct focus.  So after that long boring explanation I am going to say that henceforth when I talk about failure I mean perceived failure.

I sometimes feel like my life is defined by a succession of failures.  These are not my best moments.  Failing a test.  Failing to make a payment.  Failing to fulfill my duties.  Failing to live as if I am redeemed by the blood of Christ.  As a kid and into my early 20s I heard a lot of people talk about my potential.  I sometimes still do.  The key is the emphasis on potential with "unfulfilled" in parenthesis.  It is a big part of what drives my depression.  Last month when my life felt like it was falling apart (again) this was really driven home.  My car died, got resuscitated, and then really died and I had no money to replace it.  I passed nursing by the skin of my teeth which felt like its own kind of failure.  I was informed that I never got the right forms handed in to the Army in very stern emails.  I was being outright ignored by my doctor and felt helpless because of it.  I was spiraling.

And yet in the midst of all that some amazing things happened which I had trouble fully appreciating.  The nursing program tossed a final which probably would have failed me.  My friends, family, and even near strangers moved Heaven and Earth and the contents of their bank accounts to ensure I could find transportation.  I reconnected with people and found new friends in unlikely places.  I found advocates in similarly surprising places.  In the life of a friend I saw a miraculous turn-around.  And most of this would never have happened or I wouldn't have appreciated it half as much as I do now if not for a series of failures.  The failures made the blessings possible because God makes a habit of taking suffering and sin and turning it into something beautiful which no one could expect.

Most interestingly, through all of this I was shown how I was trying to work for my own salvation which is a deadly trap.  We can never earn salvation even after the fact and yet it's so tempting to try and I didn't know that I was doing it.  But, after a miraculous intervention I realized i still felt like crap because "it shouldn't have been necessary".  Those were my words.  And in that moment I saw the problem.  The gospel of work harder and do better.  Not that we should not strive to be better but the idea that maybe we're all sinful and broken but we can at least be a little better is a lie.  A shiny turd is still a turd.  A slightly better but still deeply flawed righteousness is a deeply flawed righteousness and no more acceptable to God.  So yes work to do better to honor God and to express our love.  But thinking that gaining a millimeter towards perfection will be the thing that fixes our problems?  That's silly.  And learning such a simple thing almost broke me.

So, being forced to confront my failures and running into them so frequently is an amazing blessing.  Because I eventually have to admit my insufficiency.  And once I do that I can much more earnestly embrace the grace of God.  When I am weak (in myself), then I am strong (in Christ).  Failures really are blessings because they illuminate the work of Christ and push us back to him.  And so we can finally come full circle and say that in this light the things that feel like failure, whatever that is for you, can't be failures for a Christian.  Because every scrap of it works for His glory and our good.  And now before my words fail too, I will bid you all a good evening and a happy and blessed New Year.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. –Philippians 4:8