So, the original seed came from an odd moment I had in Honduras. I was walking between the construction site and the house where we had a VBS set up and I was by myself. And I had a crystallizing moment. I was reverting to a mode of thinking and being that used to be all to familiar to me a few years ago when i was still travelling the country and volunteering. That is I was starting to isolate myself in the meaningful ways and I was starting to think of myself as the loner cast adrift in the world. That used to be fun actually. Just me and God travelling around, having adventures, doing awesome stuff with cool people and then moving on to the next adventure. But the reason I moved back to Vermont was that I got tired of being the loner. I wanted a sense of permanence and community. I wanted to rest. And I was even partially successful. I eventually found a certain measure of success with that. I got my sisters here, I got in a unit that was amazing, I got back in college, I made friends, I found a church, I was building a life.
For the last....almost a year, its felt like a lot of that has been dissolving around me. I was given notice that the army is firing me, I was set back a year in college, Sarah moved to Arizona, Rachel got married and got pregnant (which, don't get me wrong, is fantastic) resulting in a certain amount of predictable distance in that relationship, I moved to Fair Haven which is completely away from the center of all my friends and everything that goes on. There are other things which I won't go into because even though I don't have a filter I figure might be better not put into a public forum or which I can't really explain. My world has felt very unstable lately and it doesn't seem to be firming up much.
I just want to interject that I feel that God has deeply blessed my life. I see his hand everywhere I look. I still have amazing friends who somehow put up with my ridiculousness. I will never understand that. I was given a living situation with FREE room and utilities. I'm going to be an uncle. I have a new brother-in-law who is great despite our occasional differences of personality. I passed my sophomore year despite being a screw up. I have an awesome cat (who I haven't seen in a month). God has given me some incredible and incredibly unlikely witnessing opportunities. I have never been hungry for lack of funds to buy food. I have a car that runs despite its best efforts to not run. God is incredibly faithful and he is kind to remind me of that when I forget.
That being said I have felt increasingly uncomfortable for months now. I couldn't put my finger on exactly why until recently. That moment in Honduras was like an epiphany. Even in a setting where I am essentially living and working with a group of my brothers and sisters doing missions work I could feel myself pulling away and withdrawing inwards. For an extrovert that feels almost painful but I think that something inside me was retreating from the potential pain of uncertainty and lonliness and change. I still don't know what I think of that. But in the midst of processing all of that God surprised me again.
My unit was recently assigned a chaplain and he seems like a really great guy. He has been organizing a small prayer group every night at 1900. When I say small I mean like 7 people including himself and one of the 2 chaplain assistants down here. And that may very well be the full extent of the devout Christians in this unit but even that was extremely uplifting. I was expecting 2 weeks of spiritual dryness in the midst of my struggles. Not only that but I discovered that our new company commander is a sister (she's one of the seven). And this afternoon God arranged for me to have the chance to talk about God for a few hours to an audience of like 5 people. It was awesome. One of the things I was praying for in Honduras was a sense of peace and here in Fort Dix, in a stressful Army environment, with the threat of discharge hanging over my head and with the commander yelling at me for nonsensical reasons he has given it to me. I will never understand how He works and I will never cease being amazed by it. But I've got PT at 0445 tomorrow so I'm going to bed. Until next time, may you find true rest in Christ.
