The title was inspired by me remembering one of my favorite hymns: He Hideth My Soul. One of the recurring lines goes "he hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock". For those of you less familiar with your old testament, I am making a fairly safe assumption that this is in reference to when Moses asked to see the Glory of God. He could not see it straight on and live and God was not done with him yet. So God, being loving enough to grant impossible requests, told Moses to hide in the cleft of a rock to shield himself because he was going to have his Glory pass by that rock. I don't pretend to know what that means in concrete terms. I picture a glowing nimbus of sorts. Anyway, God set it up so that Moses would be allowed a peek just after his Glory passed by. The merest glimpse. And even from that brush with Glory, Moses' face began to radiate with the light of it for a long time afterward.
I will admit that this history lesson wasn't entirely necessary for my point. Sorry, but if you have read my other blog posts you should be used to it by now. Back to the song. In the first verse there is a line that has always confused me just a little: "He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock, where rivers of pleasure I see". The chorus makes it clear that this rock is a prominent lookout in "a dry and thirsty land", i.e. the desert. That juxtaposition always felt odd. Where are these rivers? How do they fit with the overall narrative of the song? The rivers of pleasure sort of ambush you. You can explain them just fine but it never seemed to make poetic sense.
And then tonight happened and I got it. I'll try to be brief but this history is necessary. Back in August I got a job as an aide working in dementia unit of a nursing home. That sentence is somewhat inaccurate but just accept it as close enough. I was worried about this job but found that I truly and deeply loved it. More than that I derived joy from it and I knew it for the blessing that it was. To confer the depth of that well I would need a whole other blog post. I was also on a spiritual upswing which is not coincidental. As winter came on and life got hectic and my old nemesis (and sometimes closest friend) depression started to set in I lost sight of why I did what I did. I forgot that ultimately I am not working for my boss, I'm not even working for my residents. I am working as a way of serving God and living as I have been called.
The loss of perspective coincided with a gradual surrender on my part to fear which resulted in turning away from my walk with God. Slowly but surely. Shortly after the new year I started to just feel tired. I still like my job but it was not the same font of joy that it used to be. It started becoming about doing my 8 hours and going home like so many other jobs I've had. And I started to get dragged down by the chronic frustrations that come with working where I do. Then about a week ago I unintentionally let myself run out of my ADD meds which are amphetamines. If you've never seen me on an amphetamine crash I doubt I can convey just how much the loss effects me. So going a week without my meds made all of my problems 10 times worse. I was actually starting to be a little frightened by how dark I was becoming and if not for Jessie I may have just let the depression have full reign as I have done before.
Yesterday I finally got my act together enough to refill my medication. God, in his infinite wisdom and with his great sense of timing and humor, also gave me the opportunity at work to train a new hire. She will be my shadow for a week or so at work until she knows enough to work independently. So when I walked in and found this out I was glad that I was back on my meds, that is for sure. Part of me was thinking "alright they trust me enough to train somebody" and the other part was thinking "man, with a shadow I can't get away with any slacking or short cuts". Yes I was falling into that rut. I had a fantastic night. I loved training the newbie even when she saw me screw up. Having her there forced me to do things right and stay motivated which in turn made me enjoy my job more. Plus I had a captive audience which I'm sure you all know I love.
I chalked it up to the euphoria you get when you start taking amphetamines again. There is a reason that they get abused so much. So, tonight I came in and had yet another fantastic night. I am not going to try to explain the nuances of how I can feel God showing me something. It would likely be unconvincing and I doubt I'd be able to fully convey it in any case. I learned a couple things though. First, I realized that I love teaching and I'm actually not bad at it either. Not sure I would be able to do a job where that is all you do but having the occasional chance to teach is something I would see as a major plus. The other thing God showed me was...the dry and thirsty land. See I did come back to the song. The bleakness that was threatening to claim me once again was something I had to go through in order to see the full contrast. Tonight, I began to remember that I am not serving man but I am serving a God who loves me as a son. God started to call me back and helped me remember that joy which comes from living as you are called instead of living for yourself.
The wonder I experienced as I saw all of this tonight is not something that I think I will be able to sustain. I think that I would be overwhelmed. In this life we really can't handle the full glory of God's love. So he hides us in the cleft of a rock. And in the midst of blackness and despair he sometimes shows us those rivers of pleasure. And they do ambush you. God can and does choose moments in your life to surprise you with joy. And the contrast helps you understand just how magnificent his love truly is. Just a glimpse. Just the back side of it as it passes. And yet even that glimpse is overwhelming and makes any amount of suffering on the road vanish in the light of Christ. Plus now I can truly understand that amazing hymn. And when the line "I sing in my rapture, oh glory to God!, for such a redeemer as mine" comes up I can even more strongly feel the power of that thought.
That's all I got tonight. Until next time, go with God.
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. –Philippians 4:8
P.S. I want to give a shout out to an amazing brother in Christ, David Carr. I couldn't find a good spot in the main post but I want to give him a mention. Without him you may not be reading this post now though I don't doubt he would be surprised to know it. Once, he came up to me in church after I had posted a blog. He very sincerely looked me in the eye and said "don't stop writing", Ironically I think that may have been the last post for a year but his words stuck with me. They challenged me to keep going with Notes from one of the Foolish Things even when I would have been happy to let it die a peaceful death. And having just finished this entry I'm glad I listened. I am surprised to say that I actually enjoy writing despite the hate/hate relationship I've had with writing in the past. It's funny how some things stick with you isn't it?
