So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye... Maybe

In the immortal words of Bilbo Baggins at his eleventy-first birthday party*: "My dear people... I hope you are enjoying yourselves as much as I am... I shall not keep you long.  I have called you all together for a purpose...Indeed for [two] purposes.  First of all, to tell you that I am immensely fond of you all, and that [five] years is too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable [people].  I don't know half of you half as well as I would like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve... [Secondly] and finally, I wish to make an ANNOUNCEMENT.  I regret to announce that - though, as I said, [five] years is far too short a time to spend among you, this is the END.  I am going.  I am leaving NOW.  GOOD-BYE."  Cue magic ring and flash of light. *speech edited for contextual changes as appropriate and denoted by square brackets.

Ok let me take a small step back.  I'm not actually going now but I didn't have the heart to edit out such a nicely dramatic flair.  And in truth my decision isn't completely final yet.  But, I do think it is time for me to move on.  In case anyone is holding their breath - either hoping it won't be soon or more likely hoping it will be very soon - I will clarify at this point that the realistic timetable for this is somewhere between summer 2015 and summer 2016.  So definitely not as immediate as Bilbo.  But, as of this moment, unless some kind of major and unlikely changes happen first, I need to leave Vermont.

I love Vermont. I even <3 Vermont.  I have a curious and almost inexplicable attraction to this state and the people in it.  You guys (and gals) are seriously the best and in all my travels I have yet to find such a consistently awesome and interestingly unique bunch of characters.  I could go on and on about how much I love living in VT and have done so in other posts.  But there is a deeper reality that I contend with and which seems to be getting worse not better.  And it centers around the fact that I am an extrovert.  I am an extrovert without strong social ties in a state which lacks people in general and the people that are here are by and large introverted.  Part of the problem is me and I readily acknowledge that.  I will periodically isolate myself which, for me, is a self-destructive impulse.  But, the problem goes beyond that.

I need to have peer group people around and I don't have that.  At college I find that most of my friends and peers are either separated from me by a chasm of life-experience and interests or they have families and other responsibilities which correspond to a different phase of life.  The former are very difficult to connect with and the latter either don't have the interest/need or don't have the time or both.  At church the same problem exists even if it has a slightly different character to it.  Whatever the reasons the net result is that I have been feeling increasingly alone.  And I don't know how to fix it.  I used to have a network of long-distance friends that I maintained but sadly we have mostly grown apart as so often happens with the dual separations of time and distance.  In specific I have known for a long time that I have a need for high quality male friendships whereas I much more naturally make friends with women.  And the supply of peer-group men with time on their hands is ridiculously small in my own experience.  And while I don't work, my profession is dominated 9:1 by women so that is unlikely to be a solution.

I've been considering the question of where I should be for months now/  My answers have always been that I felt called to move to VT, I need to finish school, I have the most fantastic church ever, my sister is here and I love my army unit.  Well... My sister and her new family are gearing up to move to Ecuador, school isn't forever and the most critical piece will be done this summer, the army might kick me to the curb any day, and my calling to Vermont doesn't feel as strong as it used to.  Which leaves my church.  But as I said I love them but it's full of very busy people and introverts.  I know that if I called some of them up saying I need to hang out or talk or something that many of them would make time for me because that is the kind of people they are.  But that is exactly what it would be: them making time in their incredibly busy schedules.  So, I'm not left with much reason to be here.  This isn't the full story perhaps but it is most of it.

This weekend I was forced to face just how much this is all affecting me.  And from what I would have considered an unlikely source I was asked why I don't move.  Sometimes a person can tap into a decision that you've been wanting to make but can't quite face with a very simple statement.  I still remember an AIM conversation I was having with Sarah about 10 years ago wherein she asked me why I was still an engineering major if I was so miserable.  Similarly when my friend asked me if I would consider moving it shifted something inside me.  All of the little pieces clicked together.  As I said the decision isn't final.  There are a couple things that could change my mind.  But all of them seem pretty unlikely from where I'm sitting right now.  So I am going forward with the notion that I am going to try to do what is healthiest for me with an eye for divine redirection.

As for where I'll go I don't know yet.  I am open to suggestions.  Right now I just need to be around people.  Not all of my problems will be solved by having people around but it will make the solutions easier.  I might try to stay close which would be maybe the capitol region of NY or southern/western NH.  Maybe the Maine seacoast?  I have to rule out MA for now since I've heard it is very hard to get a job as a new grad nurse there.  Another thought was Seattle since I have said for years that I want to try living out there at some point and now is as good a time as any.  Maybe the more urban areas of Utah which is a state that I love from my brief experiences there.  Utah would be a different kind of choice though since I would definitely feel like I was on mission in such a Mormon dominated state.  Maybe somewhere in the Northern Midwest?  I just know I have no real interest in moving too far south for many reasons including a deep and abiding hatred for heat.

Anyway I've probably already gone way too long but if you have any questions or suggestions regarding this topic let me know.  Also, another strategy I've considered is picking a really great church and using that to decide where to go so if you know of any in the places I mentioned or somewhere else above the mason-dixon line let me know that too.  I'll keep you all posted on developments.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. –Philippians 4:8

Great Ambitions

So today I was thinking about how incredibly thankful I am for the many, many blessings God has sent into my life.  I could list them and many of them are people but this isn't that sort of post.  I actually feel like I would have trouble doing justice to the many ways that God works in my life.  I have entered a phase of my life where I just feel so amazingly blessed and loved and cared for by God.  In some ways it is a flashback to 2006 when my sense of God was so incredible that I couldn't hold it in.  I'm a very different person today and as I grow and change my relationship does as well.  The response in me is less giddy and more tempered yet deeper and possessing a greater anticipation and appreciation for the Spirit's work in my life.  I suppose you could call it maturity but that is a word that I can still only wear ironically.  Like a little boy dressing up in his father's clothes.  It doesn't fit right.  It's too big a word and I need to grow into it more before I can start to feel comfortable and natural with it.  But I digress.

As I was observing my renewed sense of my blessings and thankfulness, I had the thought to express all of this in some public way.  Not because Thanksgiving is around the corner but just because.  And that brought up memories of my epic failure from last year.  If you are curious look up the blog post "Thankfulness in a Post-Thanksgiving Paradigm".  And then look up the post "There is Grace".  And then look at my facebook wall.  My initiative was a failure in the most objective sense.  And then I started thinking about all of the grand gestures and plans and ambitions I've had in my life.  And there are a lot.  I have a penchant for dramatic gestures.  Or rather I want to have a penchant for it.  I want to do these these things and have these experiences which are exaggeratedly large in scope.  Sometimes I will even plan them out.  And somehow they never seem to happen.  They get scaled down or they get interrupted by some glitch and never picked up again or I can't get the world to cooperate or I rethink the whole mess and decide that it is ridiculous.  And so all these things which sound so good in my head evaporate like mist.

The pattern of this can be seen throughout my life.  I'll make plans that are actually solid and achievable with effort but which are also in some way overblown.  I think I get it from my mom.  Our whole family will know what I mean and no story captures the essence of this better than the words "prayer box".  Ask one of us about it sometime if you don't know the story.  And I think each of us actually has that tendency but we all exercise it differently.  My mom keeps building projects up so that what should have been the work of an hour or two becomes a multi-month project.  Sarah figures out how to make her vision practical and will reshape her life and her relationships to fit that.  Rachel keeps things simple but in ways which are themselves overstated such as her position on fun.  And me?  I am the classic dreamer always planning and never doing because doing just seems so exhausting.  And I often find this piece of myself rather depressing to contemplate.  I feel like I am the most maladapted of us all.  Even my mom as much as she makes her life harder does usually do what she sets out to do.

I seem to have entered uncharted territory here and this was not the direction I had originally intended for this post.  I don't think I've ever tried to analyze this from this angle before but I'm going to roll with it anyway.  Maybe what it comes down to is that I am less independent then my sisters.  I need people in ways that I feel like my sisters don't.  The times when I am successful are when I can get other people to join in with my enthusiasm.  I need the force of other people wanting the same outcome that I do.  I am so prone to second-guessing myself and thinking that what seemed like a fantastic idea 10 minutes ago was really very foolish.  So I need someone else to tell me "No that was really a good idea.  We should do this."  Maybe this all boils down to a confidence issue.  Hmmm.  And I think maybe that is why I have gotten good at my own brand of persuasion.

I think it has a lot to do with story-telling.  I get excited because I've told myself a story about how amazing something will be.  Or perhaps I tell myself a story about how awful a thing will be and why I want no part of it.  And I've learned how to take these stories and make them compelling to the person I'm talking to.  I'm by no means a master but I'm getting better at it.  But I suppose the real question I wanted to ask is why do I keep chasing the grand ideals?  I know I rarely follow through and more often the idea isn't so much grand as it is ridiculous.  I mean at heart I'm a pragmatist in many ways but perhaps one who dreams of being an idealist.  Is it that part of all of us which desires greatness?  Instead of wanting fame (in the traditional sense) or power or wealth I want to be part of something amazing?  Yet at the same time I already am part of the most amazing story that can ever be told so shouldn't that be enough?  The more I sit here thinking about it the more I realize that I honestly don't know why I do this.

I do think that there is something universal about this.  I think that my experience in this case relates back to the common human experience.  I haven't decided how yet though.  I've always considered myself unambitious.  I've only ever desired secondary or tertiary roles.  I have the personality of a helper or a catalyst.  I'm not good on my own.  But perhaps this is my version of ambition.  To live a life interesting enough to be noticed or that someone might even want to read about.  Maybe that's what this blog is.  Like I said I honestly don't know and this probably deserves a little more thought.  So tonight I am walking away from NFOOTFT with more questions than I started with but that's ok.  And last week I ended with a verse which I have decided is going to be the tag line for this blog as it so nicely encapsulates what I am trying to do here and elsewhere in my life.  If I don't write again first I would like to wish all of you a happy Thanksgiving!

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. –Philippians 4:8

Casting out Fear

I know it's only been a couple days since my last rather scattered post but this morning my thoughts are running in circles and I am trying not to use my usual gotos of video games, books, tv, etc.  For one thing they only ever get me into trouble and for another finding peace in the obliteration of thought isn't helpful.  So I find myself back here again and talking to all of you.

I don't really have a topic or theme planned out so I think I will start with a confession.  If anyone reading this knew me more then 9 years ago before Christ awakened me you would know that one of my defining characteristics from the old days was anger.  My sisters can attest to this.  Anger at stupid people who wouldn't agree with me, anger at everyone who talked about me behind my back because I was weird, anger at anyone who infringed on my own personal sense of justice, anger at being forced to go through the same hoops as everyone else when I was obviously better then my peers and should be given free passes, anger at the world for being so darn inconvenient all the time.

There is something comforting about anger.  There's a heat to it.  It allows you to block out feelings of guilt and uncertainty and depression.  It hides fear.  It helps you protect the image of yourself as a person who is tragically wronged by the universe.  It justifies almost any action or thought.  I don't hide that I used to be like this.  But God has done such a transformative work in me that it sometimes surprises people to learn this.  I still get angry and I experience anger's close cousin annoyance on a daily basis but for the most part anger isn't the defining thing it used to be.  God is daily teaching me to set aside pride for humility (a task that will never be complete in this life), hate for love, anger for mercy and compassion.

Last year there was an altercation between me and a professor.  The particulars are unimportant right now except for that it was an instance where I let anger guide me.  And the aftermath of that indirectly led to the loss of one friend and the estrangement of another because of how I responded in a moment when I was still shaken by such an intense, unmitigated expression.  I'm still processing the incident. Yesterday, I felt the anger coming back.  It was different.  It was colder, it was thoughtful, and it was on the behalf of another person.  And part of me still says that in this case I am right to be angry.  I realized I was seeking it, calling it up like an old friend so I would have it at my disposal to use as a weapon.

That realization gave me pause.  I started out thinking that this was a very natural reaction under the circumstances.  That I didn't want this but I couldn't get rid of it without dishonoring a friend.  Obviously excuses and bad ones.  And excuses that violated every stated position I've had for 9 years and even my real instincts.  I have long believed that the only thing that anyone can really control is their own reaction to the scenarios we find ourselves in.  You can't stop a person from shouting insults but you can choose whether you feel insulted and if you choose to feel insulted you can choose to escalate, walk away, or undermine the person by loving them anyway.  My instincts these days tend towards compassion and I was actively pushing that aside.  I'm ashamed to admit it but in that moment I was choosing hate.

Thankfully, God is amazing and very quickly pointed all of this out to me.  It is not my place to condemn or exercise what I see as justice.  Even the worst murderer could conceivably become my brother through Grace and it is my job to show them love in whatever way I can.  That isn't to say that I won't go out of my way to interrupt a person's agenda when I see them causing pain.  And sometimes the intervention may itself be painful.  But I am not allowed to exult in that.  And I don't believe that I am allowed to do more than what is necessary to protect their victims.  Anything else would be like beating a man in chains.  God is the ultimate arbiter of justice as the only one qualified. So I didn't expect to write nearly this much on the subject or in such detail and that seems as good a conclusion as any so I think I'll stop here.  Thanks for coming!

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. –Philippians 4:8

The True Path (remix)

So this post is a little different.  As intimate as I make many of my posts there are some things I want to express which are too personal or would require me to breach confidence.  As I stated in my Pilot post this is a kind of experiment and for me it serves the role of an open source journal. The last couple months have been unusually hard and have involved serious depression and what I think may have been anxiety attacks from all of the things that I am trying to balance in my life.  I think I am starting to emerge from the darkness I have been engulfed in within my own head.  In talking about all of this with a good friend of mine and in helping my friend with their own struggles I said something about guide posts that God gives us in life.  Moments of spiritual clarity and closeness to God.  And I remembered that almost a year ago I started writing a blog post about something very similar and it was my only abortive post.  I never finished it or posted it.  At the time I think I was too close to certain issues and my problems seemed small and petty so I chose to keep my thoughts to myself.  In fact I had already made a previous attempt to revisit it and once again failed to post it.  But right now I think it's time has finally come.  Everything below the row of dashes is the previous post and I will have an original closing which will be set off by another row of dashes.

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I was thinking about my blog the other day and how I have been posting less.  And I remembered that there was a post I started writing back in October which never got finished.  So I have decided to revisit it.  It is actually the perfect post to revisit as I will explain in a moment.  In October life was going well.  I felt like I could see the way forward.  I had clarity and joy and was resting comfortably in God's faithfulness.  Right now I am in a darker place.  Life feels like a struggle to survive or hold steady and more often than not it feels like I'm losing that struggle.  And I knew that such moments would come when I started this entry 5 months ago.  In what follows I will try to keep most of my original thoughts intact.

So as my third entry is coming together I realize that the shape of this blog is going to be about my spiritual journey.  It makes sense since ultimately I want my life to be subsumed by Christ and that will touch everything I do and everything I am.  I no longer live but rather Christ lives in me.  With that being said onto the entry proper...

You ever have those moments when you cry out to God for clarity, for a path, for something certain... and he gives it to you?  I am realizing those moments are like mountain-tops.  God takes you to the peak of a mountain or maybe even a fire tower so that you can look down on where you've come from and see the rough lay of the land and the path ahead.  In that moment everything is crystallized and clear.  You can say with utmost confidence "This is where the Lord is leading me and I must follow!"  And then you climb down from your tower and you strike out... and everything gets all muddled.  There seem to be a lot more trees in the way then you noticed before.  There are brambles and drop-offs.  There are slick descents and treacherous climbs that you could not see from your lofty lookout.  Sometimes the trail seems to just disappear. 

And then the worm of doubt begins to say "are you certain of what you saw? Did you pick up the correct trail-head?  Are you even properly prepared for what you are about to do?"  And then you start to worry.  Except that because we can fully trust Christ we shouldn't worry.  I find myself thinking about how I was so certain only a week or a month ago but now (shockingly) it turns out that God has asked me to do a hard thing and I feel inadequate to the task.  And frankly I am inadequate.  And then at last He reminds me of 2 Corinthians 12:9-10: ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I think that the reason I am sometimes granted my mountain-top experiences is because God knows how fickle I can be.  I don't know if He deals with everyone like this.  I have come to truly appreciate that God speaks to each of us according to our needs.  I need a lot of convincing.  So by giving me these points of clarity it helps me to have an anchor.  Something I can cling to and say yeah God totally wanted me to do this and go this way so I guess I'll just keep on.  Even if I do stray and wander God is always faithful to return me to the proper path one way or another but for my own sanity I believe he lets me know a little of what is going on.  Sometimes.  Rarely.  And only a little.

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I think that what I keep forgetting is how to really trust God.  Not so much in the big things.  When it comes to money and food I've learned to trust in God's provision.  With all of the little day to day stuff though I often feel like it's my job to get all of that done in my own strength.  And repeatedly I prove to be inadequate to the task.  Priorities get flipped around.  I can clearly remember what decision and state of mind had spawned the original seed of this post.  It was a triumphant and determined thought.  Now it is a much more desperate but hopeful thought.  I think the reason that this post has failed to be finished not once but twice when no other post has ever been put off is because I have no follow-up. No great conclusion.  No ah ha! moment that helps me get it right or do it better next time.  So it feels like a half thought.  And I think I am going to leave it as a half thought.  Something abstract in this expresses feelings that I can't say outright for reasons cited in the opening lines.  There is a certain amount of clarity or direction that I think is missing from this entry but what did you expect reading a blog by someone who calls himself a Fool right?  Anyway, until next time, go with God who can see your path even when you can't.

The End of an Era

So I know it hasn't been long since my last post according to my own timeline of postings but my heart has been heavy for some time and this has only increased in the last couple days so I thought I should put down some thoughts.  It isn't all bad and there's some of you who may think they know what the title alludes to but they will find they are only partially correct.  But as they say "first things, first" so without further ado I will queue the rambling prologue.

Since coming to Christ a little more than 8 years ago I've attended a lot of churches and I can remember every single one including the ones that I was only visiting for a week or two.  Most of them were great places in some way or another as I have very discriminating tastes ;) but 3 in particular stand out.  The first is Elmore United Methodist.  This is by far the smallest church I have ever attended and it has one of the biggest hearts I have ever seen.  It was the church that I was going to when God finally got hold of me.  I wasn't saved by the preaching there but rather God was doing a work in me separate from the church and gave me an amazing place to fellowship during the process.  Those people opened their homes to me, offered every kind of assistance should it be needed, befriended the weirdo 20 year old college drop out who was only in town for the summer.  At a time in my life when I had abandoned everything known and comfortable and reliable in my life I found a family that I never knew could exist.  And isn't it crazy how that works with God most of the time?  Giving up the known only to find something way better?  Elmore set the bar by which I would measure community.

The second church on this list is Christ Memorial Church in Essex Junction.  I found these people by sheer accident.  I was looking for another church entirely because I had just moved and was church shopping.  But I got lost and their service time was exactly right for my needs that morning.  They even had their first ever college students and new attendees lunch that afternoon which was serendipitous.  Under the leadership of Wes Pastor (or as some call him, Pastor Pastor) I learned to take my theology seriously.  Most of the places I'd been before were big on love (which is obviously important) but not very strong on getting into what exactly we believe and why.  CMC excels at this.  Wes has a very straightforward way of saying some very deep and important truths.  It's where I learned about church planting and grew a heart for missions.  I made some excellent friends and went through some of the hardest times of my life here.  In short, it's where God started the advanced study on what it really meant to live and think as a Christian.  It's also where I (finally) got baptized after a false start.  It wasn't all rainbows and unicorns but my time there marked a turning point in my walk.

The last place which is the place of honor is Middletown Springs Community Church - my current church and the first church at which I formally became a member.  The last 2 years or so have marked a profound period of growth (in all areas of my life) and intense struggle (in all areas of my life).  Nowhere else have I seen such a remarkable fusion of the qualities of intentional, loving, Christian community and intelligent, incisive, and remarkable preaching.  MSCC has set a new bar in both community and theology.  I've never known a place quite like it.  I'm told that much of that spirit was present before Jared took over as pastor but it is clear even to a relative newcomer, at a church which has been around since the 18th century, that Jared is responsible for really upping the game.  I've never known a guy who could regularly preach in such heartfelt ways so as to often bring me to tears and laughter in the same sermon.  And at the same time what he says doesn't seem intended to ply on the emotions of the crowd but rather he simply shows us God and he manages to show us a picture so clear that it is God not Jared who stirs us so deeply.  I could similarly go on about how amazing the people are and how close and loving the community there is but 2 days ago Jared informed us that he is leaving.

He is going to a new ministry at Midwestern Baptist Seminary to help their mission of equipping young pastors to be Gospel-centered.  A mission which I can say nothing against.  Indeed, I am excited for him and his family that they have such a clear calling from God.  I envy them in a way as I am in a stage of life where most things seem murky and I have to feel the ground to move forward.  But Jared's departure is also very sad for me and for many.  I know him not just as the voice proclaiming God's word on Sunday afternoon but as a friend, a brother, a person who has shared my burdens and who has shared his own with me at times.  I know Missouri isn't the end of the earth but it feels like I am losing a family member.  I have often thought "how does a little church like this manage to get such an amazing guy as the pastor".  Jared has explained his reasons for leaving and they all seem thoughtful, rational, and focused on how to serve God.  But he will be missed.

The deeply selfish part of me went straight to "how does this effect me personally".  And I found plenty.  Mostly I thought about how everything else in my life was crumbling around me.  Everything but MSCC the one fixed point I have.  And then that fixed point moves.  It's unnerving and frustrating and depressing.  But to Jared's credit I could not land on that thought for long.  Jared has ingrained in us the idea of hunting down and smashing our idols so well that my next thought was that I had made an idol out of him and the church.  It's not a pleasant realization.  I was holding to the way things were as a source of security rather than to God.  So being a person who thinks in terms of logic my next thought was that if Jared and stability were idols then God was doing me a favor by stripping it away from me.  The Gospel is not reliant on Jared talented as he may be.  MSCC is not reliant on him either.  God's truth and God's church both hang on God not the men who serve him.  And seeing all of the other amazing things God has been doing here in southern Vermont I can't now help but be excited to see who God sends us next.  This battle is ramping up on many fronts and that's when you send in your best troops for support.  So while this doesn't stop me from being sad about the departure of a brother it gives me something to look forward to.

In many ways all of this also brings into focus my own life.  The title could refer to the changes at MSCC but it doesn't. It refers to me.  So many things in my life are changing as I've said.  I can feel the tide turn on a level that I can't explain.  God is preparing me for something new.  I have no idea how my life will settle out in the end but it will be different from what I've known in the past.  That is my only real certainty.  And I have felt it coming for almost a year now when the changes first started.  And up till now I have mourned what has been and what will be lost.  I'm a very nostalgic person so losing what was is a hard thing me most of the time.  But all of the logic I used to talk about Jared can equally be applied to my life.  I am sad for what will be lost and what has been already.  But maybe for the first time in a while I am starting to be excited for what is coming.  It is beyond my ability to imagine but I've found in past experience that such times are always the best when they finally arrive.

Houston, we have a Problem.

This post is a reflection on the failure of a paradigm.  Just a heads up this will likely be a long one and it will be a little different from my normal inward focused posts.  It seems like I can't get away from talk about Robin Williams even this long after the event.  Don't get me wrong, I was saddened to hear about his death.  I have very much enjoyed his movies since as far back as I can remember and even if I hadn't it makes me sad to see a life lost to despair.  I have a lot of thoughts and opinions about suicide but that isn't what I want to talk about really.

As I think all of you reading this will know, I am a nursing student.  I am currently doing psych clinical.  Today, our ward had a discussion club and what we were discussing was an article that was a reaction to how people are talking about Robin Williams.  More than that it was about how to see and address suicidal thoughts in other people.  I wasn't impressed by the article but it had some good points to consider.

During the discussion I asked a question and the responses (from personnel on a dedicated psych ward ranging from LNAs to RNs to residents) left me feeling troubled.  The question I asked was this: What basis do we have to tell our patients that suicide is bad?  We may not say it like that but all policy and treatment orbits that idea.  We can hold someone against their will if we have reasonable suspicion that they are actively suicidal.  We talk about suicide being the result of disease processes rather than a choice (a position I cannot fully agree with).  We are doing everything except saying outright "killing yourself is wrong" because we aren't supposed to impose value judgements.  Which is exactly what we are doing and we are scared of admitting it for some reason.

I didn't ask because I don't have my own answer.  I do have several responses in fact for why I believe suicide is wrong.  Most are tied directly to my faith, some are tied to my view of what suicide is, and some are positions of logic.  Again that isn't what I am going to discuss.  The reason I asked is because our teaching tells us to be moral relativists for the purposes of therapy.  And we work in a system that seems to assume we agree with naturalistic evolution.  In fact many of the ways that God speaks to me would be classed as "magical thinking" which is a symptom of psychosis amongst other things.  We are told religion is a good thing to encourage because it has been proven to be protective against suicide and yet its said in a way that shouts the thought that religion is a pleasant lie that patients need to cope with reality.  Which is funny because in all other cases we are told not to play into delusions.

The reason I asked the question was because I was genuinely interested to know how a relativistic framework deals with such an important question.  As far as I can tell there is no way to legitimately ban suicide without either minimizing individual rights or appealing to a transcendent absolute.  And nothing that was said at that group has convinced me otherwise.  The consensus was "we can't really make that claim".  I got the feeling that the room as a whole was actually troubled by the question.  Are we being hypocrites to say on one hand "suicide is bad" and on the other "it is not our place to judge"?  I was troubled that in an age when suicide rates seem to be on the rise, the professionals who have dedicated their careers to helping the mentally ill have no convincing answers to that question.  If I was suicidal and ran into this it would encourage me to continue.

Another troubling thing that came out of this meeting was an observation.  It was pointed out that Robin Williams had in many ways achieved the American dream.  Fame, popularity, riches.  He was a Success.  And yet that brought him no peace, no answers.  At least not the peace that means something.  I find that unsurprising.  The American Dream is a flimsy idol.  What I did find surprising was hearing that many people are reacting by getting angry at him.  I don't get that.  Why anger?  The only thing that occurred to me was that in his death he removed some measure of hope.  I think that people look at his death and feel on some deep level "So what you are saying is that it ultimately doesn't matter how successful I become.  There really is no light at the end of the tunnel just a different sort of darkness and a darkness that leaves you with nowhere else to go."

And so we arrive back at the beginning of this entry - the failure of a paradigm.  I have long believed that American culture has been heading for a cliff.  Individualism and capitalism are failures.  Our leaders have mostly failed or fled, corruption is assumed to the point where it is hard to even work up the energy to care, our resources go towards propping up the institutions that grind us down, there are precious few things that are still accorded any trust or respect, we devour our youth and now we cannot even find a solid reasons to give our citizens to keep on living.  One of the stages of the death of a civilization is intensification.  The things that are seen as societal ideals are pursued much harder in the hopes that adhering to the guiding principles will save you.  Our current political scene reflects this.  Polarization is consistent with intensification.  The conservatives become more conservative, the liberals become more liberal and there is less room for discussion because there is a perception that compromise will bring the whole system down.

I'm not original in any of this.  I have heard various versions of this from many voices in greater or lesser amounts of coherence and sanity.  Until today I don't think I realized how bad it's getting out there.  Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm delusional and should be the guest of a mental health clinic.  All I know is that despite the fact that today was actually a very good day by other measures I have this unshakable uneasiness.

I remember when I was a teenager and had just read Dune for the first time I really bought in to the idea that a revolution every now and then is good for society.  In more recent times I have said that it might be good for the government to collapse so that something new can be built.  Also, I have said that I actually hope that Christianity becomes truly unacceptable to society so that our light might be less obscured by the portion of so-called Christians who are doing the culturally expedient thing and because that famous saying about Christianity flourishing in persecution does seem to be true.  My views of life and, more importantly, of people have changed a lot since I was a teenager.  I don't hate everyone like I used to for one thing.  So, while I still believe that most of the above is actually true, it is more resolve than eagerness or curiosity that I find when considering the consequences.  Truth is often unpleasant.

Well, as I promised in the opening this definitely ran long.  And I don't know a good way to wrap up because right now I don't feel like I have answers or solutions other than the Cross.  If it wasn't for God I doubt I would have hope right now.  I think some very difficult times may be in store for us in the next couple decades.  I hope I'm wrong.  It happens with more frequency then I'd care to admit.  But right now I'm exhausted from increasingly regular sleep deprivation.  So until next time, may you find the Peace that surpasses all understanding.

YOLO!

You Only Live Once.  The battle-cry of the fool-hardy and those who wish they had the courage to be.  It is pure bravado in sentiment.  It says "Life isn't worth living if I live in fear of anything!".  Which of course is absurd.  But that is not really what I want to talk about right now.  The kernel of this post has been kicking around in my head for about a month now but the idea has effected me in one way or another for most of my life.  The fact is that you or I, that is the individual person, does only live once.  I could make a theological wise crack and point here but I won't.  You only live once and so I think it is important that you are living as you.

There is a trap into which I have frequently fallen that looks something like this:  I have friends and family who have been blessed in ways which I could wish for myself or perhaps they do things in ways that I wish I could emulate and so I am tempted to try to become them.  I mean this in very small but significant ways.  Perhaps I know someone who is very cultured and I wish to be more so myself so I will try to read books which they think are important or perhaps I will pick up a mannerism of theirs.  And we all do this of course.  There is a kind of rank discontent buried deep inside each of us that says "I need to be other than I am".  And so we look for examples to emulate.  We find those people who have the things we want or who are what we wish we could be.

I believe that this desire has a legitimate source.  That is I believe that all humans are broken and hurting, as we have been born, and that discontent is ultimately founded in a longing for God and to be made into the image of Christ.  But, I know for myself anyway, I settle for much smaller and easier targets and I focus on all the wrong things.  I even sometimes find myself thinking "If I only had this one thing my life would be so much easier and more joyous".  Perhaps not those words but definitely that sentiment.  And the thing is I know it's false.

The way I see it, one of the most beautiful aspects of Christianity is that God does not make us drones.  Over and over I have seen both in scripture and in life how God uses who we are specifically.  We all have a unique personality with instinctive likes and dislikes, passions and aversions, talents and struggles.  We are all truly unique snowflakes in the particulars of who we are.  And yet somehow we are all also very similar as humans in our needs, our problems, our failings, our pain and our joys.  We are like threads in a tapestry to use a common literary metaphor.  There are many colors and patterns of weaving for individual threads and yet all the threads share a nature (they are threads) and a purpose (while one thread is part of the sky and another is part of an eye they all create one work).

So, when I look at a friend or family member and try live as they do I am missing the point.  I am exactly as I am because I have been created that way for a purpose.  A purpose which no one but me can fulfill.  And furthermore, as a Christian I believe that the creator of the universe loves me AS I AM.  This is not to downplay the role and need for sanctification and becoming more Christ like.  But even with all of my failings, my sin, and my ugliness (in every sense of the word) God does not say he loves some future version of me.  How everything works together I may never know but when I look at my social awkwardness, my tendency to over share, my aversion of most sports, my love of adventure and the fantastical, my nerdiness and many other things some of which I love and some of which I really wish were different I can think "I am exactly who I am meant to be. I will not always be this way because life is change but here in this moment in this place I am exactly what God wants me to be for his purpose."

After all that I am not really sure what my point was meant to be.  Except that you should live your life as yourself and not as some cheap knockoff of someone else who is smarter or stronger or prettier or in some other way superlative.  After all you only live once.

Until next time God bless.

Dispatches From Fort Dix

Hi everybody!  I'm just having a great Army day here in lovely New Jersey.  So this post has been in the making for a couple weeks now but every time I sit down to write it something interferes: I can't log onto the internet because people are stealing it from me, I'm tired, my computer is nowhere in sight, I can't get on the internet because it's down, I'm tired, people have stolen all my internet, I'm tired.... You get the idea.  But I am writing it now finally.

So, the original seed came from an odd moment I had in Honduras.  I was walking between the construction site and the house where we had a VBS set up and I was by myself.  And I had a crystallizing moment.  I was reverting to a mode of thinking and being that used to be all to familiar to me a few years ago when i was still travelling the country and volunteering.  That is I was starting to isolate myself in the meaningful ways and I was starting to think of myself as the loner cast adrift in the world.  That used to be fun actually.  Just me and God travelling around, having adventures, doing awesome stuff with cool people and then moving on to the next adventure.  But the reason I moved back to Vermont was that I got tired of being the loner.  I wanted a sense of permanence and community.  I wanted to rest.  And I was even partially successful.  I eventually found a certain measure of success with that.  I got my sisters here, I got in a unit that was amazing, I got back in college, I made friends, I found a church, I was building a life.

For the last....almost a year, its felt like a lot of that has been dissolving around me.  I was given notice that the army is firing me, I was set back a year in college, Sarah moved to Arizona, Rachel got married and got pregnant (which, don't get me wrong, is fantastic) resulting in a certain amount of predictable distance in that relationship, I moved to Fair Haven which is completely away from the center of all my friends and everything that goes on.  There are other things which I won't go into because even though I don't have a filter I figure might be better not put into a public forum or which I can't really explain.  My world has felt very unstable lately and it doesn't seem to be firming up much.

I just want to interject that I feel that God has deeply blessed my life.  I see his hand everywhere I look.  I still have amazing friends who somehow put up with my ridiculousness.  I will never understand that.  I was given a living situation with FREE room and utilities.  I'm going to be an uncle.  I have a new brother-in-law who is great despite our occasional differences of personality.  I passed my sophomore year despite being a screw up.  I have an awesome cat (who I haven't seen in a month).  God has given me some incredible and incredibly unlikely witnessing opportunities.  I have never been hungry for lack of funds to buy food.  I have a car that runs despite its best efforts to not run.  God is incredibly faithful and he is kind to remind me of that when I forget.

That being said I have felt increasingly uncomfortable for months now.  I couldn't put my finger on exactly why until recently.  That moment in Honduras was like an epiphany.  Even in a setting where I am essentially living and working with a group of my brothers and sisters doing missions work I could feel myself pulling away and withdrawing inwards.  For an extrovert that feels almost painful but I think that something inside me was retreating from the potential pain of uncertainty and lonliness and change.  I still don't know what I think of that.  But in the midst of processing all of that God surprised me again.

My unit was recently assigned a chaplain and he seems like a really great guy.  He has been organizing a small prayer group every night at 1900.  When I say small I mean like 7 people including himself and one of the 2 chaplain assistants down here.  And that may very well be the full extent of the devout Christians in this unit but even that was extremely uplifting.  I was expecting 2 weeks of spiritual dryness in the midst of my struggles.  Not only that but I discovered that our new company commander is a sister (she's one of the seven).  And this afternoon God arranged for me to have the chance to talk about God for a few hours to an audience of like 5 people.  It was awesome.  One of the things I was praying for in Honduras was a sense of peace and here in Fort Dix, in a stressful Army environment, with the threat of discharge hanging over my head and with the commander yelling at me for nonsensical reasons he has given it to me.  I will never understand how He works and I will never cease being amazed by it.  But I've got PT at 0445 tomorrow so I'm going to bed.  Until next time, may you find true rest in Christ.

On the Nature of Being Alone

Hi all!  I know its been a long time but I was swallowed up by nursing school and managed to survive another semester (yay!).  Yesterday in church I had some thoughts which I figured would be perfect for a blog entry.  So after a long hiatus NFOOTFT (or as I call it in my own head N foot squared) is back.  And hopefully the entry will not be as depressing as it sounds.

As a mild extrovert I have often given thought to this issue.  It is something we all deal with sooner or later.  Some people (like Rachel) decide they like being alone.  Other people (like me) go a different route.  In today's culture it is easy to feel a superficial connection to people.  Facebook.  Twitter.  Insta-thingy.  Snap-doohickey.  Blogs.  Email.  Front Porch Forum.  Etc.  And yet I actually feel like in the midst of all this communication we end up being more alone than ever.  Community is a much less important concept in any expression that would be recognizable to pre-industrial societies.  And I think that overall it is a bad thing.  We need that human connection.  But this blog post is not meant to rail against the failures of individualism or the crumbling psychological status of many Americans. NO!  While I certainly could carry on about such topics this is more meant for the reverse problem.  Today I am going to discuss a problem which I struggle with - fear of solitude.

The past 6 months or so have really confronted me on this subject.  I was living alone for the very first time in my life.  And I mean that.  I have always had roommates or a crew or campers or...someone.  It surprised me when I realized that.  And those of you who know me well know that I at least claim that I do not function well when I am alone.  I derive energy and motivation from being around people.  Part of that is the fact that I rarely manage to find a reason to do something on my own behalf.  If I had no friends or family to care about my successes and failures I don't know if I would ever be capable of even trying to succeed.  I don't fully understand that particular piece of myself.  I have theories on where that comes from but I'm not entirely certain.  But none of this is new so why comment on it now?

Yesterday Jared was preaching on Noah.  And it was a really great sermon too.  Jared in typical fashion managed to illuminate the Gospel in surprising and uplifting ways.  But at one point he quoted one of my favorite scenes from the Narnia series.  The scene from the Silver Chair where Jill is confronted by Aslan at the stream (side note: this also reminded me of my other favorite scene wherein Lucy asks if Aslan is a tame lion).  And they go back and forth - Jill afraid and Aslan calm but unyielding.  And from there I can't remember exactly the journey that my thoughts took get here but I ended up thinking about a song from Spamalot.  Arthur starts singing this song about how he is all alone.  While his traveling companion is trying to point out that he is not all alone.  There is a larger comic and social commentary point being made by the song but they are not entirely relevant here.  And it struck me that I do this all the time.  Except with God.  As Christians we are never truly alone.  And I don't mean that in some mystical sense.  God talks to me, he carries my burdens, he guides me, he even plays with me sometimes.  Yet I am unwilling or unable to recognize his companionship much of the time.  And more importantly, until I can feel complete when it is just me and God, I will never find fulfillment in human companionship.  I was made for God.  All human relationships no matter how real they feel are almost illusory next to my relationship with God.  "I will never leave you nor forsake you"  Even the original language declares the closeness of that relationship.  In english we no longer have an informal version of the word "you" but we used to.  When we still did it took the form of "thee". "thou", "thy", "thine" etc.  So if you open a King James Version some time, everywhere that you see one of those words it is God speaking to us as a close, personal, and intimate friend.

I had some other things I was going to say when this was floating in my head yesterday but sadly those thoughts are currently hiding from me.  Anyway I guess I spent a long time getting to the point and then not much time actually talking about it but you know what that is the freedom of free-writing your own blog.  ;)  The same 12-17 people will probably be reading it regardless hehehe.

Until next time, may you find rest in the presence of God.  

Changing of the Guard

I feel like I've been neglecting my blog and there are a lot of reasons for that which I probably won't go into right now.  But I thought it was time for a post.  Sadly, before I sat down to write it I received the sad news that the awesomest dog in the world died today.  I am referring to my dog Toby.  The news put me in a more contemplative mood so I decided to discuss change.

I've been going through a lot of changes in my life lately in almost every area.  I'm living on my own for the first time ever.  I'm starting to tackle some of my oldest and fondest demons.  I got a cat.  My very existence right now is dependent upon the goodwill of my friends and family between Rachel paying most of my rent and the combination of Rachel and David Carr helping me continue to have access to a vehicle.  Even my current position in the army is by the grace of having an amazing sub-company level chain of command that is willing to go out of their way to help me.  And don't even get me started on how dependent I've become on my friends for emotional support.  I finally have a job as a medical professional.  My concepts of patience and faith are undergoing radical redefinition.  I'm back on medication for my ADD despite how proud I was of learning to be functional without it.  For the first time in my life I feel like I have a home.

All of that and more that I didn't list is a lot to deal with over a short period of time.  And I'm not always able to handle it well.  Change is hard.  In the past I have prided myself on my resilience and adaptability and now I am struggling just to maintain sanity while I transition.  But it isn't all bad.  I'm learning how to truly be dependent on God.  I'm learning how to deal with my failures and incorporate them instead of just shutting down.  I'm relearning the value of having a community of friends and family in close proximity so that we can share one another's burdens and build each other up.  I'm learning, wait for it, how to study.  I know, shocking.

I feel overwhelmed and as I look to the near future I can see more dramatic changes on their way and it is sometimes hard for me to maintain my attitude of everything just being a new adventure.  I don't think I've even thought the word adventure in weeks and that used to be my first response to anything new.  But I think the most important take away from all of this is seeing how God uses everything.  He uses my depression, my unintentional outbursts, the struggles of my friends, the weather, and even inconvenient visits from the company commander to accomplish his will and speak to his children.  He even uses atheists to witness to me about the amazingness of himself.  I can't honestly say that I like everything going on in my life at the moment or that I have been a shining example of finding joy in trial but I am humbled that God continues to speak words of love and comfort into my life even as I run from him in shame.  And I am amazed at just how strong he is in my weakness.

Change ultimately means challenge.  If our life circumstances never changed we would learn a casual accommodation to them.  Even the worst circumstances at least become bearable and almost develop a kind of comforting familiarity if they persist for long enough.  But fluctuating circumstances keep us on our toes.  They force us to learn that great motto of stage technicians: semper gumby - always flexible.  And if we rise to the challenge, refuse to become bitter, learn to survive each new wave, and learn from our mistakes, we become better, stronger, smarter, more humble, and incidentally more interesting people from all of it.  And that is all I have to say about that.

Until next time, go with God and abide in His peace.

There is Grace

So I was considering titling this post "Oops" but decided to go with a slightly classier, more enigmatic title which can also be turned around to make a bigger point.  I suppose the inspiration for this post is my rather unfortunate lapse.  I was supposed to be posting an item of thankfulness every day on facebook but when I got busy with the holidays I sort of stopped.  And the reason its taken this long to get back into it is actually the story of my life.  Namely the reason is that I find failure to be crippling.  Not total failures mind you.  When I have totally failed at something I am good at sweeping up the broken pieces and figuring out the next step.  In that sense I am resilient.  It is partial failures that I haven't learned to cope with and it seems like the smaller it is, the less likely I will respond appropriately.

To put some flesh on this I will give an example.  Last year I got a bit behind in my nursing class.  A funeral, some computer trouble and some good old fashioned procrastination lead me to get behind on my clinical paperwork.  No problem.  My clinical instructor was very forgiving and merciful and understanding and told me to just make it up by next week.  Very reasonable and not really that hard.  But the failure to get it in was weighing on me a bit and made the procrastinator in me worse.  It kept snowballing until I was 6 weeks behind, couldn't think of anything else and yet couldn't force myself to sit down and just do it.  The further ramification of this was it effectively distracted me from the massive case study paper that I had to do.  Anything associated with nursing just reminded me of my failures in clinical so I kept finding excuses not to think about that course.  In the end I DID get my clinical paperwork in but I was unable to complete the case study.  Without that paper I was shooting for a solid C and anything below C+ is failing.  The irony is that if I had even half-assed the paper and got maybe a 50% on it I would have passed the course.  I'm not exaggerating I run those numbers in my head all the time.  But my relatively small initial failure effectively paralyzed me.  And then I got to have the lovely discussion with my faculty of where do we go from here.

By the grace of God I did something somewhere somehow to endear myself to them.  I had not 1 but 3 faculty members working with me on this and we came up with the best solution being a medical leave of absence for the semester which prevented the failure from becoming part of my record in any way.  I did have some strong signs of clinical depression so the medical leave could be justified.  Once my failure last year became complete I found it much easier to deal with, my depression improved, and I saw hope in the distance.  I got my act together.  And I gave myself an entire extra year of school.  One of my consolations at the time was thinking well at least I won't see my former classmates too often to remind me of the situation.  Wrong.  I get nearly daily reminders of the fact that I slipped back a graduating year.  Following this rabbit trail (a phrase I've picked up since I started attending MSCC) the reminders have actually been very sanctifying.  Instead of increasing my sense of shame, I have come to accept what happened, forgive myself, and move on.  I can actually see God working through my failure.  Every now and then I catch glimpses of the plan unfolding and I remind myself that God is sovereign.  If he can take a murdering, stuttering, coward like Moses and shake a world power to its foundations what are my problems and failures to Him?  Did it surprise him that I didn't get my work done?  It didn't even truly surprise me.

When I started this post I was not intending it to become what you have already read.  I was intending to apologize for my error and post some items which I am thankful for and move on.  As I was writing something occurred to me.  I believe in grace for sin and freedom from my guilt and shame and yet so often I DO NOT LIVE LIKE I BELIEVE IT.  The system of law is so deeply ingrained in us that it feels wrong to live according to grace.  When I missed a day before I would do 2 items to make up for it.  Having missed a couple weeks I was going to do a blog devoted to making up all the missed days.  I wasn't going to do this because doing it would give me joy I was going to do it for a sense of absolution.  Which is stupid.  So you know what?  I am not going to do that.  Not because I am not thankful or because I couldn't think of enough things to make up the lack but because thankfulness is ultimately about my relationship with God and I am not going to reduce how I deal with God to being an obligatory chore done out of guilt.

Good talk.  God be with you till we meet again.