So this post is a little different. As intimate as I make many of my posts there are some things I want to express which are too personal or would require me to breach confidence. As I stated in my Pilot post this is a kind of experiment and for me it serves the role of an open source journal. The last couple months have been unusually hard and have involved serious depression and what I think may have been anxiety attacks from all of the things that I am trying to balance in my life. I think I am starting to emerge from the darkness I have been engulfed in within my own head. In talking about all of this with a good friend of mine and in helping my friend with their own struggles I said something about guide posts that God gives us in life. Moments of spiritual clarity and closeness to God. And I remembered that almost a year ago I started writing a blog post about something very similar and it was my only abortive post. I never finished it or posted it. At the time I think I was too close to certain issues and my problems seemed small and petty so I chose to keep my thoughts to myself. In fact I had already made a previous attempt to revisit it and once again failed to post it. But right now I think it's time has finally come. Everything below the row of dashes is the previous post and I will have an original closing which will be set off by another row of dashes.
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I was thinking about my blog the other day and how I have been posting less. And I remembered that there was a post I started writing back in October which never got finished. So I have decided to revisit it. It is actually the perfect post to revisit as I will explain in a moment. In October life was going well. I felt like I could see the way forward. I had clarity and joy and was resting comfortably in God's faithfulness. Right now I am in a darker place. Life feels like a struggle to survive or hold steady and more often than not it feels like I'm losing that struggle. And I knew that such moments would come when I started this entry 5 months ago. In what follows I will try to keep most of my original thoughts intact.
So as my third entry is coming together I realize that the shape of this blog is going to be about my spiritual journey. It makes sense since ultimately I want my life to be subsumed by Christ and that will touch everything I do and everything I am. I no longer live but rather Christ lives in me. With that being said onto the entry proper...
You ever have those moments when you cry out to God for clarity, for a path, for something certain... and he gives it to you? I am realizing those moments are like mountain-tops. God takes you to the peak of a mountain or maybe even a fire tower so that you can look down on where you've come from and see the rough lay of the land and the path ahead. In that moment everything is crystallized and clear. You can say with utmost confidence "This is where the Lord is leading me and I must follow!" And then you climb down from your tower and you strike out... and everything gets all muddled. There seem to be a lot more trees in the way then you noticed before. There are brambles and drop-offs. There are slick descents and treacherous climbs that you could not see from your lofty lookout. Sometimes the trail seems to just disappear.
And then the worm of doubt begins to say "are you certain of what you saw? Did you pick up the correct trail-head? Are you even properly prepared for what you are about to do?" And then you start to worry. Except that because we can fully trust Christ we shouldn't worry. I find myself thinking about how I was so certain only a week or a month ago but now (shockingly) it turns out that God has asked me to do a hard thing and I feel inadequate to the task. And frankly I am inadequate. And then at last He reminds me of 2 Corinthians 12:9-10: 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I think that the reason I am sometimes granted my mountain-top experiences is because God knows how fickle I can be. I don't know if He deals with everyone like this. I have come to truly appreciate that God speaks to each of us according to our needs. I need a lot of convincing. So by giving me these points of clarity it helps me to have an anchor. Something I can cling to and say yeah God totally wanted me to do this and go this way so I guess I'll just keep on. Even if I do stray and wander God is always faithful to return me to the proper path one way or another but for my own sanity I believe he lets me know a little of what is going on. Sometimes. Rarely. And only a little.
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I think that what I keep forgetting is how to really trust God. Not so much in the big things. When it comes to money and food I've learned to trust in God's provision. With all of the little day to day stuff though I often feel like it's my job to get all of that done in my own strength. And repeatedly I prove to be inadequate to the task. Priorities get flipped around. I can clearly remember what decision and state of mind had spawned the original seed of this post. It was a triumphant and determined thought. Now it is a much more desperate but hopeful thought. I think the reason that this post has failed to be finished not once but twice when no other post has ever been put off is because I have no follow-up. No great conclusion. No ah ha! moment that helps me get it right or do it better next time. So it feels like a half thought. And I think I am going to leave it as a half thought. Something abstract in this expresses feelings that I can't say outright for reasons cited in the opening lines. There is a certain amount of clarity or direction that I think is missing from this entry but what did you expect reading a blog by someone who calls himself a Fool right? Anyway, until next time, go with God who can see your path even when you can't.
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