I know it's only been a couple days since my last rather scattered post but this morning my thoughts are running in circles and I am trying not to use my usual gotos of video games, books, tv, etc. For one thing they only ever get me into trouble and for another finding peace in the obliteration of thought isn't helpful. So I find myself back here again and talking to all of you.
I don't really have a topic or theme planned out so I think I will start with a confession. If anyone reading this knew me more then 9 years ago before Christ awakened me you would know that one of my defining characteristics from the old days was anger. My sisters can attest to this. Anger at stupid people who wouldn't agree with me, anger at everyone who talked about me behind my back because I was weird, anger at anyone who infringed on my own personal sense of justice, anger at being forced to go through the same hoops as everyone else when I was obviously better then my peers and should be given free passes, anger at the world for being so darn inconvenient all the time.
There is something comforting about anger. There's a heat to it. It allows you to block out feelings of guilt and uncertainty and depression. It hides fear. It helps you protect the image of yourself as a person who is tragically wronged by the universe. It justifies almost any action or thought. I don't hide that I used to be like this. But God has done such a transformative work in me that it sometimes surprises people to learn this. I still get angry and I experience anger's close cousin annoyance on a daily basis but for the most part anger isn't the defining thing it used to be. God is daily teaching me to set aside pride for humility (a task that will never be complete in this life), hate for love, anger for mercy and compassion.
Last year there was an altercation between me and a professor. The particulars are unimportant right now except for that it was an instance where I let anger guide me. And the aftermath of that indirectly led to the loss of one friend and the estrangement of another because of how I responded in a moment when I was still shaken by such an intense, unmitigated expression. I'm still processing the incident. Yesterday, I felt the anger coming back. It was different. It was colder, it was thoughtful, and it was on the behalf of another person. And part of me still says that in this case I am right to be angry. I realized I was seeking it, calling it up like an old friend so I would have it at my disposal to use as a weapon.
That realization gave me pause. I started out thinking that this was a very natural reaction under the circumstances. That I didn't want this but I couldn't get rid of it without dishonoring a friend. Obviously excuses and bad ones. And excuses that violated every stated position I've had for 9 years and even my real instincts. I have long believed that the only thing that anyone can really control is their own reaction to the scenarios we find ourselves in. You can't stop a person from shouting insults but you can choose whether you feel insulted and if you choose to feel insulted you can choose to escalate, walk away, or undermine the person by loving them anyway. My instincts these days tend towards compassion and I was actively pushing that aside. I'm ashamed to admit it but in that moment I was choosing hate.
Thankfully, God is amazing and very quickly pointed all of this out to me. It is not my place to condemn or exercise what I see as justice. Even the worst murderer could conceivably become my brother through Grace and it is my job to show them love in whatever way I can. That isn't to say that I won't go out of my way to interrupt a person's agenda when I see them causing pain. And sometimes the intervention may itself be painful. But I am not allowed to exult in that. And I don't believe that I am allowed to do more than what is necessary to protect their victims. Anything else would be like beating a man in chains. God is the ultimate arbiter of justice as the only one qualified. So I didn't expect to write nearly this much on the subject or in such detail and that seems as good a conclusion as any so I think I'll stop here. Thanks for coming!
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. –Philippians 4:8
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