Ok let me take a small step back. I'm not actually going now but I didn't have the heart to edit out such a nicely dramatic flair. And in truth my decision isn't completely final yet. But, I do think it is time for me to move on. In case anyone is holding their breath - either hoping it won't be soon or more likely hoping it will be very soon - I will clarify at this point that the realistic timetable for this is somewhere between summer 2015 and summer 2016. So definitely not as immediate as Bilbo. But, as of this moment, unless some kind of major and unlikely changes happen first, I need to leave Vermont.
I love Vermont. I even <3 Vermont. I have a curious and almost inexplicable attraction to this state and the people in it. You guys (and gals) are seriously the best and in all my travels I have yet to find such a consistently awesome and interestingly unique bunch of characters. I could go on and on about how much I love living in VT and have done so in other posts. But there is a deeper reality that I contend with and which seems to be getting worse not better. And it centers around the fact that I am an extrovert. I am an extrovert without strong social ties in a state which lacks people in general and the people that are here are by and large introverted. Part of the problem is me and I readily acknowledge that. I will periodically isolate myself which, for me, is a self-destructive impulse. But, the problem goes beyond that.
I need to have peer group people around and I don't have that. At college I find that most of my friends and peers are either separated from me by a chasm of life-experience and interests or they have families and other responsibilities which correspond to a different phase of life. The former are very difficult to connect with and the latter either don't have the interest/need or don't have the time or both. At church the same problem exists even if it has a slightly different character to it. Whatever the reasons the net result is that I have been feeling increasingly alone. And I don't know how to fix it. I used to have a network of long-distance friends that I maintained but sadly we have mostly grown apart as so often happens with the dual separations of time and distance. In specific I have known for a long time that I have a need for high quality male friendships whereas I much more naturally make friends with women. And the supply of peer-group men with time on their hands is ridiculously small in my own experience. And while I don't work, my profession is dominated 9:1 by women so that is unlikely to be a solution.
I've been considering the question of where I should be for months now/ My answers have always been that I felt called to move to VT, I need to finish school, I have the most fantastic church ever, my sister is here and I love my army unit. Well... My sister and her new family are gearing up to move to Ecuador, school isn't forever and the most critical piece will be done this summer, the army might kick me to the curb any day, and my calling to Vermont doesn't feel as strong as it used to. Which leaves my church. But as I said I love them but it's full of very busy people and introverts. I know that if I called some of them up saying I need to hang out or talk or something that many of them would make time for me because that is the kind of people they are. But that is exactly what it would be: them making time in their incredibly busy schedules. So, I'm not left with much reason to be here. This isn't the full story perhaps but it is most of it.
This weekend I was forced to face just how much this is all affecting me. And from what I would have considered an unlikely source I was asked why I don't move. Sometimes a person can tap into a decision that you've been wanting to make but can't quite face with a very simple statement. I still remember an AIM conversation I was having with Sarah about 10 years ago wherein she asked me why I was still an engineering major if I was so miserable. Similarly when my friend asked me if I would consider moving it shifted something inside me. All of the little pieces clicked together. As I said the decision isn't final. There are a couple things that could change my mind. But all of them seem pretty unlikely from where I'm sitting right now. So I am going forward with the notion that I am going to try to do what is healthiest for me with an eye for divine redirection.
As for where I'll go I don't know yet. I am open to suggestions. Right now I just need to be around people. Not all of my problems will be solved by having people around but it will make the solutions easier. I might try to stay close which would be maybe the capitol region of NY or southern/western NH. Maybe the Maine seacoast? I have to rule out MA for now since I've heard it is very hard to get a job as a new grad nurse there. Another thought was Seattle since I have said for years that I want to try living out there at some point and now is as good a time as any. Maybe the more urban areas of Utah which is a state that I love from my brief experiences there. Utah would be a different kind of choice though since I would definitely feel like I was on mission in such a Mormon dominated state. Maybe somewhere in the Northern Midwest? I just know I have no real interest in moving too far south for many reasons including a deep and abiding hatred for heat.
Anyway I've probably already gone way too long but if you have any questions or suggestions regarding this topic let me know. Also, another strategy I've considered is picking a really great church and using that to decide where to go so if you know of any in the places I mentioned or somewhere else above the mason-dixon line let me know that too. I'll keep you all posted on developments.
One Train May Hide Another
ReplyDeleteKenneth Koch, 1925 - 2002
(sign at a railroad crossing in Kenya)
In a poem, one line may hide another line,
As at a crossing, one train may hide another train.
That is, if you are waiting to cross
The tracks, wait to do it for one moment at
Least after the first train is gone. And so when you read
Wait until you have read the next line--
Then it is safe to go on reading.
In a family one sister may conceal another,
So, when you are courting, it’s best to have them all in view
Otherwise in coming to find one you may love another.
One father or one brother may hide the man,
If you are a woman, whom you have been waiting to love.
So always standing in front of something the other
As words stand in front of objects, feelings, and ideas.
One wish may hide another. And one person’s reputation may hide
The reputation of another. One dog may conceal another
On a lawn, so if you escape the first one you’re not necessarily safe;
One lilac may hide another and then a lot of lilacs and on the Appia
Antica one tomb
May hide a number of other tombs. In love, one reproach may hide another,
One small complaint may hide a great one.
One injustice may hide another--one colonial may hide another,
One blaring red uniform another, and another, a whole column. One bath
may hide another bath
As when, after bathing, one walks out into the rain.
One idea may hide another: Life is simple
Hide Life is incredibly complex, as in the prose of Gertrude Stein
One sentence hides another and is another as well. And in the laboratory
One invention may hide another invention,
One evening may hide another, one shadow, a nest of shadows.
One dark red, or one blue, or one purple--this is a painting
By someone after Matisse. One waits at the tracks until they pass,
These hidden doubles or, sometimes, likenesses. One identical twin
May hide the other. And there may be even more in there! The obstetrician
Gazes at the Valley of the Var. We used to live there, my wife and I, but
One life hid another life. And now she is gone and I am here.
A vivacious mother hides a gawky daughter. The daughter hides
Her own vivacious daughter in turn. They are in
A railway station and the daughter is holding a bag
Bigger than her mother’s bag and successfully hides it.
In offering to pick up the daughter’s bag one finds oneself confronted by
the mother’s
And has to carry that one, too. So one hitchhiker
May deliberately hide another and one cup of coffee
Another, too, until one is over-excited. One love may hide another love
or the same love
As when “I love you” suddenly rings false and one discovers
The better love lingering behind, as when “I’m full of doubts”
Hides “I’m certain about something and it is that”
And one dream may hide another as is well known, always, too. In the
Garden of Eden
Adam and Eve may hide the real Adam and Eve.
Jerusalem may hide another Jerusalem.
When you come to something, stop to let it pass
So you can see what else is there. At home, no matter where,
Internal tracks pose dangers, too: one memory
Certainly hides another, that being what memory is all about,
The eternal reverse succession of contemplated entities. Reading
A Sentimental Journey look around
When you have finished, for Tristram Shandy, to see
If it is standing there, it should be, stronger
And more profound and theretofore hidden as Santa Maria Maggiore
May be hidden by similar churches inside Rome. One sidewalk
May hide another, as when you’re asleep there, and
One song hide another song; a pounding upstairs
Hide the beating of drums. One friend may hide another, you sit at the
foot of a tree
With one and when you get up to leave there is another
Whom you’d have preferred to talk to all along. One teacher,
One doctor, one ecstasy, one illness, one woman, one man
May hide another. Pause to let the first one pass.
You think, Now it is safe to cross and you are hit by the next one. It
can be important
To have waited at least a moment to see what was already there.
Ok ok, so that wasn't my real response. I am going to add to those words that someone else wrote...
ReplyDeleteI thought a lot today about your choice to move from VT and I am always the first one to support moving on early and often after some good soul-searching introspection, which I believe you have done quite a bit of lately. Your posts certainly reflect that.
I guess what I think you should hear from me is the idea that's in this poem: that one train may hide another, that "It / can be important / To have waited at least a moment to see what was already there."
When I first moved to VT, we had a long conversation where you told me that you had found your priority (after your walk with God)--- to one day have a wife and family. You said that every step you'd taken since then was a step towards becoming a provider which is what you saw as a big obstacle to you becoming a husband and father. So the army as well as nursing school were in service of that goal of having a wife and family.
So I guess you need to think about two questions: What's your biggest priority now? If it's the same, which path will make you a better husband and father? If it's different...well, then, I want to know what it is!! And then I'd ask you the same thing: Which path would be most in service of that goal?
(I think because of your natural extrovert tendencies, striving to have a wife and family is a great fit, by the way. But I think there could be lots of other great fits too...)
So I think if you feel you want to move from VT, by all means you should. But I think, at this point in your life, you need to be going towards something, not away from something. It sound like you already know that. Now your first job is to define that one "something".
Give me a call if you want to talk it through. All my best to you, Dave.