As I was observing my renewed sense of my blessings and thankfulness, I had the thought to express all of this in some public way. Not because Thanksgiving is around the corner but just because. And that brought up memories of my epic failure from last year. If you are curious look up the blog post "Thankfulness in a Post-Thanksgiving Paradigm". And then look up the post "There is Grace". And then look at my facebook wall. My initiative was a failure in the most objective sense. And then I started thinking about all of the grand gestures and plans and ambitions I've had in my life. And there are a lot. I have a penchant for dramatic gestures. Or rather I want to have a penchant for it. I want to do these these things and have these experiences which are exaggeratedly large in scope. Sometimes I will even plan them out. And somehow they never seem to happen. They get scaled down or they get interrupted by some glitch and never picked up again or I can't get the world to cooperate or I rethink the whole mess and decide that it is ridiculous. And so all these things which sound so good in my head evaporate like mist.
The pattern of this can be seen throughout my life. I'll make plans that are actually solid and achievable with effort but which are also in some way overblown. I think I get it from my mom. Our whole family will know what I mean and no story captures the essence of this better than the words "prayer box". Ask one of us about it sometime if you don't know the story. And I think each of us actually has that tendency but we all exercise it differently. My mom keeps building projects up so that what should have been the work of an hour or two becomes a multi-month project. Sarah figures out how to make her vision practical and will reshape her life and her relationships to fit that. Rachel keeps things simple but in ways which are themselves overstated such as her position on fun. And me? I am the classic dreamer always planning and never doing because doing just seems so exhausting. And I often find this piece of myself rather depressing to contemplate. I feel like I am the most maladapted of us all. Even my mom as much as she makes her life harder does usually do what she sets out to do.
I seem to have entered uncharted territory here and this was not the direction I had originally intended for this post. I don't think I've ever tried to analyze this from this angle before but I'm going to roll with it anyway. Maybe what it comes down to is that I am less independent then my sisters. I need people in ways that I feel like my sisters don't. The times when I am successful are when I can get other people to join in with my enthusiasm. I need the force of other people wanting the same outcome that I do. I am so prone to second-guessing myself and thinking that what seemed like a fantastic idea 10 minutes ago was really very foolish. So I need someone else to tell me "No that was really a good idea. We should do this." Maybe this all boils down to a confidence issue. Hmmm. And I think maybe that is why I have gotten good at my own brand of persuasion.
I think it has a lot to do with story-telling. I get excited because I've told myself a story about how amazing something will be. Or perhaps I tell myself a story about how awful a thing will be and why I want no part of it. And I've learned how to take these stories and make them compelling to the person I'm talking to. I'm by no means a master but I'm getting better at it. But I suppose the real question I wanted to ask is why do I keep chasing the grand ideals? I know I rarely follow through and more often the idea isn't so much grand as it is ridiculous. I mean at heart I'm a pragmatist in many ways but perhaps one who dreams of being an idealist. Is it that part of all of us which desires greatness? Instead of wanting fame (in the traditional sense) or power or wealth I want to be part of something amazing? Yet at the same time I already am part of the most amazing story that can ever be told so shouldn't that be enough? The more I sit here thinking about it the more I realize that I honestly don't know why I do this.
I do think that there is something universal about this. I think that my experience in this case relates back to the common human experience. I haven't decided how yet though. I've always considered myself unambitious. I've only ever desired secondary or tertiary roles. I have the personality of a helper or a catalyst. I'm not good on my own. But perhaps this is my version of ambition. To live a life interesting enough to be noticed or that someone might even want to read about. Maybe that's what this blog is. Like I said I honestly don't know and this probably deserves a little more thought. So tonight I am walking away from NFOOTFT with more questions than I started with but that's ok. And last week I ended with a verse which I have decided is going to be the tag line for this blog as it so nicely encapsulates what I am trying to do here and elsewhere in my life. If I don't write again first I would like to wish all of you a happy Thanksgiving!
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